Don't think I'm back, 'cause I'm totally not. Sorry guys.

Here, have a thing.

http://screamingowl.com/giveaway-win-a-keurig-coffeemaker/

Everybody loves coffee.

Also, that other blogger thing didn't last long.  Try my real blog: limeokapi.wordpress.com.  That's been going strong since February--and I'm pretty sure it's going to stick.

Eh, I reconsidered.

So, go ahead and have my new blog link.

http://unwillingthespian.blogspot.com/

I decided I was being harsh and unfair. Sorry about that.

I have moved!

It's official. I'm retiring this blog.

This blog was meant to be an expression of my thoughts and feelings, but it turned into something else. It turned into a way that I could be condescending and cruel just to make myself feel high and mighty.

So I'm moving to a new blog. And I'm not giving you the address.

I'll be handing out the invites to a select few people once I'm all set up at my new site.

As far as this blog goes...I may or may not delete it entirely. I may leave it up as a reminder to myself to be careful of what I write in the future.

Huh.

What do you do when your heart isn't ready to feel, but your mind says that it's time to forgive and let live?

My head says I'm being ridiculous, that I'm behaving like a kid and I should buck up. My heart says that it isn't willing to trust yet, that it'll just get hurt again.

Where's the line between being cautious and being overcautious? My mind says go, my heart says no. Distance is a healer, but only if it lasts forever.

I was confronted with an ex about a month back, and I quickly found out that distance only heals if it's forever. So distance won't work. All my life I've run from problems, traded them for new beginnings. For the past few years I've been trying to face my issues. I've grown so much from fighting my battles instead of running from them.

So, if distance won't work, and I'm not emotionally ready to go forth, then what? Huh. I guess I'll have to think on that one.

She lives!

Have I ever told you how much I love randomly disappearing from the internet? It's freeing, I tell you. So much happiness and relief from stress.

But since I've been gone a while, here's an update on me:

I'm home (which is amazing, and definitely where I'm supposed to be right now) while taking summer classes at a (sort of) nearby university. The hour and 20 minute commute is tough some days, but I love the chance to sing along with the radio at the top of my lungs with no one watching (or listening!). I also get loads of time to think.

And I'm finally happy again. It's nice not to have to stress about anything more serious than schoolwork. No more drama, no more struggling for money, no more just....general life-suck. I'm ready to start living life again, and I'm excited about what the future holds (even though I still have no idea what's going to happen after July).

I won't be online much, because internet at home is awful, and because like I said, it's nice to take a break. I don't need this blog to garner approval from people when I can talk to them face to face, nor do I really need to cultivate approval at all. I am who I am, and with each day I care less and less about the naysayers.

That's what the loving support of a good family does, and mine is definitely the best family ever (even with all our quirks).

I'll be burying my nose in Spanish homework now, like a good student...before going to job training! I'm working at a gymnastics academy as a secretary (no way I can be a gymnast, that would be a hilarious sight).

Peace out!

Grief

I've been thinking a lot lately about death. Not because I'm suicidal or depressed. But I'm being confronted with the very real possibility of someone I know dying.

I haven't ever really had to deal with the death of a loved one, and now that it's a possibility, I really don't know how I feel. I don't want to have to deal with this. I don't want this. I'm angry and sad...and I'm not even the one dying. I feel like I don't deserve to be angry or sad because I'm not the one directly affected. I'm not sick.

But that doesn't change how emotionally crushed I am. I really don't know how to deal. And I probably will never know how to deal.

Maybe that's okay.

Gloss it Up

No matter how much shine you put on yourself, you will always know what you really look/act/think like.

Maybe instead of plastering ourselves with shiny cosmetics, us gals should work on what really matters--who we are on the inside.

I am frustrated that I am beginning to buy into the idea that to be happy, I have to do myself up. I'm beautiful inside and out, and I shouldn't feel like I have to paint myself to find happiness. How silly is that?

It's like me saying to you: Go roll in some acrylic rainbow paint and you'll find happiness. Uh...actually, that sounds like a lot of fun...

Anyway, bottom line: Make-up is fun. If you do it for fun, then congratulations. If, however, you do it because you think you have to wear it to be beautiful...then you should know that makeup does not create beauty. You do that every time you're nice to someone, or flash a smile.

Beauty is way more than skin deep. Anyone who tries to tell you otherwise is just shallow...and probably miserable themselves.