Have you ever known someone, but not really?
Well, a few months back, I met this guy who seemed pretty cool. Until he practically ignored me after I met him. Now, I don't really appreciate that, and I don't know why he did it, but he hasn't acknowledged my existence in about five months. I tried saying "hi" to him at first, but when it became clear that wasn't working, I ceased trying and started pretending that he was just some other guy at the college.
Today, I was hanging out with my roommate, Stacy (who is awesome), at lunch. We went up to put our dishes away, and that guy was walking up with a group of his friends to put his stuff away as well. I think that I'll be ignored again, so I immediately start making a show of looking at the light fixtures. To my surprise, not only has he known who I am THIS WHOLE TIME, but he knows my name, and he asked how I was doing. Said he hadn't seen me in forever.
Riiiiiiiight.
I've come to two conclusions. Either he's blind as a bat, or he's trying to smooth things over by trying to pretend like all those instances never happened.
Naturally, I was shocked by his (possibly feigned) interest. I stuttered out some feeble reply, and then my roommate and I went on our way.
I should probably mention that he knows my roommate (fairly well, I think), and spoke to her first. Perhaps he only mentioned me as an afterthought so he wouldn't seem rude.
You're probably wondering what this has to do with anything. Well, it really has nothing to do with anything. I just thought it was a rather interesting experience. I also was kind of crushing on him when I first met him, so it's rather important to me. I'm not interested now, but (and you gals know it's true) because I liked him at one time, I remember his face, name, interests, and even some of his corny jokes.
Anyway, I just felt like writing that down. Hey, at least I'm not being all depressing this time!
Until next time, guys!
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
Sunday, April 5, 2009
General reflections. Hey, I can't help it that I write when I'm contemplative.
So, today I pretty much realize that I'm always a little bit different from everyone else. It doesn't matter who they are, or how much we have in common. I always feel just a little isolated from the group.
I suppose it's because I really don't fit any stereotypical molds. I'm not like anyone else you'll ever meet. I know that there are other people who are different in their own right, but so far I haven't met anyone who really gets me.
I thought that Liberty would be different. I thought that somehow, just by being here, I would be understood by the majority of the populace. Naive thinking.
Especially since I'm not quite as firm in my faith right now as I ought to be.
I've come to a place where I feel like I've missed out on something crucial in my walk with Christ. People who convert at later ages have miles and miles of history they can look back at and say "hey, Jesus saved me from that." They know exactly what made them believe, and they can probably articulate why they believed.
But I can't. I was saved when I was 12. Do I remember much about my life back then? Nope. I don't think my life was very much different after I was saved than other unsaved kids my age. All my life, I've been living a forced Christianity. I chose to do what the Bible said was right. I didn't do it because I was compelled by love. It was expected, something I felt required to do.
And now I don't know. I don't know anything, really. I thought I was doing what I was supposed to. I thought I was growing in Christ. I thought a lot of things. Were any of them real? To be honest, I've never really doubted before. I've taken a lot of things on faith that I probably should have taken on reason. I'm wondering now if anyone really has reasoned out Christianity.
All my profs say that Christianity is reasonable and logical. But have any of them really come up with sound, logical reasons for believing? I think my Philosophy prof tries to explain it, but he just can't connect with us students. I don't understand his logic, and I don't see his reasoning. I try to reason it out myself, and I come up with circular arguments and fallacies. I expect this is because I'm not as learned as my professor is, but what if it's not?
What if Christianity isn't logical?
I'm hoping, praying, wishing with every fiber of my being that someone has figured this out. I don't want to lose my faith over this, and I don't think I will. I do, however, think that it will be severely weakened. I don't want to be a zombie-Christian. I don't want to be someone who believes what they're told and doesn't do some digging on their own for the truth. To do that, I have to doubt. I have to find out my own answers.
And I'm terrified that my answers will lead me to the conclusion that this Christianity thing is a waste of time. I'm afraid.
A month ago, I was firmly and fiercely committed to Christ. I was sure that nothing could shake my faith. Now, life has intervened, and I'm faced with unanswered questions and nagging doubts. Perhaps it is Satan, or one of his minions, trying to coerce me to give up the faith. But even if it is, aren't these doubts worth taking a look at? Shouldn't I try to find answers for my questions? Is it wrong to want to understand if what I'm doing is worthwhile?
I suppose it's because I really don't fit any stereotypical molds. I'm not like anyone else you'll ever meet. I know that there are other people who are different in their own right, but so far I haven't met anyone who really gets me.
I thought that Liberty would be different. I thought that somehow, just by being here, I would be understood by the majority of the populace. Naive thinking.
Especially since I'm not quite as firm in my faith right now as I ought to be.
I've come to a place where I feel like I've missed out on something crucial in my walk with Christ. People who convert at later ages have miles and miles of history they can look back at and say "hey, Jesus saved me from that." They know exactly what made them believe, and they can probably articulate why they believed.
But I can't. I was saved when I was 12. Do I remember much about my life back then? Nope. I don't think my life was very much different after I was saved than other unsaved kids my age. All my life, I've been living a forced Christianity. I chose to do what the Bible said was right. I didn't do it because I was compelled by love. It was expected, something I felt required to do.
And now I don't know. I don't know anything, really. I thought I was doing what I was supposed to. I thought I was growing in Christ. I thought a lot of things. Were any of them real? To be honest, I've never really doubted before. I've taken a lot of things on faith that I probably should have taken on reason. I'm wondering now if anyone really has reasoned out Christianity.
All my profs say that Christianity is reasonable and logical. But have any of them really come up with sound, logical reasons for believing? I think my Philosophy prof tries to explain it, but he just can't connect with us students. I don't understand his logic, and I don't see his reasoning. I try to reason it out myself, and I come up with circular arguments and fallacies. I expect this is because I'm not as learned as my professor is, but what if it's not?
What if Christianity isn't logical?
I'm hoping, praying, wishing with every fiber of my being that someone has figured this out. I don't want to lose my faith over this, and I don't think I will. I do, however, think that it will be severely weakened. I don't want to be a zombie-Christian. I don't want to be someone who believes what they're told and doesn't do some digging on their own for the truth. To do that, I have to doubt. I have to find out my own answers.
And I'm terrified that my answers will lead me to the conclusion that this Christianity thing is a waste of time. I'm afraid.
A month ago, I was firmly and fiercely committed to Christ. I was sure that nothing could shake my faith. Now, life has intervened, and I'm faced with unanswered questions and nagging doubts. Perhaps it is Satan, or one of his minions, trying to coerce me to give up the faith. But even if it is, aren't these doubts worth taking a look at? Shouldn't I try to find answers for my questions? Is it wrong to want to understand if what I'm doing is worthwhile?
Friday, April 3, 2009
Is it bad I keep waiting for a phone call that's never going to come?
I keep hoping, even though I know that there's no point. I keep dreaming, even though there's no reason to...
Maybe it's because I just can't accept what is. Maybe it's because with every fiber of my being I wish I could change the outcome somehow. I do blame myself. I know that it's not my fault, but I can't help it. It's how I do things.
So, even though I know that I tried my hardest and what is just has to be, I still wait for the phone call that won't happen. I know that my hopes won't die completely until the summer begins. Being a dreamer is hard. When things fall through, there is always the little tiny glimmer of hope that won't die. The little nudge that makes you think that maybe, just maybe, there was a mistake, and whatever you'd been hoping for will happen.
Life doesn't work that way.
In this crazy, beautiful, awful thing called life, when someone says "no" it usually means "no." There aren't any second chances, no "do-overs," nothing. You succeed or fail based on one attempt. Most people don't really like that, but come to accept it at some point.
I don't ever really accept it. For example, when I was in high school, I busted my butt trying to get into Governor's School. I didn't get in, even though I felt like I deserved to. Even though I realize that Governor's School probably would have been bad for me, and I really didn't need it to get into college Aanyway, I still kick myself about failing to get in. I wrote killer essays, but...I look over them now and only see what was wrong. It kills me that I didn't get in.
And it's the same way with everything else in life. Of course, I bottle all this up. I would never want to hurt anyone else with my own personal bitterness. I really am happy for others when they succeed, I just...I wish I could have succeeded with them. I feel left out, like I'm missing something (which I am, I'm missing out on experiences and such). But I keep these feelings to myself (usually) because I know that it will hurt those that did succeed if I let them know how badly I'm hurting.
What's even more pathetic is that even though I have a lot of good things going for me, I just can't seem to focus on the positive. I see the sunny side of life in everyone and everything but myself. I'm always so hard on myself, and even though I could count all the times I've succeeded at things and find that the number is probably greater than the things I've failed at, I always count up the failures and let that drag me down.
Now, I know that no one is perfect.
But somehow I always think that I should be. That I'm not allowed to make mistakes. That I have to do better, be better, try harder. Because if I should fail (or lose, this is why I'm such a sore loser), I feel like I'm worthless. Like all the work I put into whatever it was is wasted. But when I'm winning, I shrug it off as nothing and go on trying for something bigger.
There has got to be some kind of psychological diagnosis for that.
Of course, I'm not the type to go to a shrink. I'm the kind of person who thinks I can fix everything on my own. Why? Because asking for help is admitting weakness, admitting failure. Which, as per the previous paragraphs is kind of a big thing for me.
Anyway, I didn't mean to rant about this for so long. I guess I'm just feeling a bit down today, and frustrated because I can't make anything work out the way I want it to. A lot of decisions regarding my personal future are still in the works...and I hate not knowing what I'm going to be doing next.
On another note, I'm kind of questioning God right now. I'm a big "why" person, and anyone who knows me knows that I'm always trying to get to the bottom of things. So...I'm at a loss as to why certain things are happening in my life, and I'm trying to petition God for the answers. And for those of you who shrink back at that statement, here's a thought for you.
Do you think that God isn't big enough to handle our questions? He already knows how we're feeling anyway, might as well tell him. Do you think He's too weak to handle it? I don't think so. I believe that God is Omnipotent, Omniscient, and Omnipresent. And if He's all of those things, then I think He can deal with a few questions. After all, doubting is not a sin. Questioning things isn't a sin. If we don't question, how will we be certain in our faith? How will we know that we believe what we claim to believe? I think that doubting is part of the refining of our faith.
So, it is perfectly okay that I've got a few questions for God!
To end on a happier note, because I hate ending on a harsh one, the weather outside is glorious today. It's sunny and warm and slightly windy...just the way I like it. I just wish I hadn't been rained on this morning. Can you say cold and wet? Haha! Well, until next time, guys...
I keep hoping, even though I know that there's no point. I keep dreaming, even though there's no reason to...
Maybe it's because I just can't accept what is. Maybe it's because with every fiber of my being I wish I could change the outcome somehow. I do blame myself. I know that it's not my fault, but I can't help it. It's how I do things.
So, even though I know that I tried my hardest and what is just has to be, I still wait for the phone call that won't happen. I know that my hopes won't die completely until the summer begins. Being a dreamer is hard. When things fall through, there is always the little tiny glimmer of hope that won't die. The little nudge that makes you think that maybe, just maybe, there was a mistake, and whatever you'd been hoping for will happen.
Life doesn't work that way.
In this crazy, beautiful, awful thing called life, when someone says "no" it usually means "no." There aren't any second chances, no "do-overs," nothing. You succeed or fail based on one attempt. Most people don't really like that, but come to accept it at some point.
I don't ever really accept it. For example, when I was in high school, I busted my butt trying to get into Governor's School. I didn't get in, even though I felt like I deserved to. Even though I realize that Governor's School probably would have been bad for me, and I really didn't need it to get into college Aanyway, I still kick myself about failing to get in. I wrote killer essays, but...I look over them now and only see what was wrong. It kills me that I didn't get in.
And it's the same way with everything else in life. Of course, I bottle all this up. I would never want to hurt anyone else with my own personal bitterness. I really am happy for others when they succeed, I just...I wish I could have succeeded with them. I feel left out, like I'm missing something (which I am, I'm missing out on experiences and such). But I keep these feelings to myself (usually) because I know that it will hurt those that did succeed if I let them know how badly I'm hurting.
What's even more pathetic is that even though I have a lot of good things going for me, I just can't seem to focus on the positive. I see the sunny side of life in everyone and everything but myself. I'm always so hard on myself, and even though I could count all the times I've succeeded at things and find that the number is probably greater than the things I've failed at, I always count up the failures and let that drag me down.
Now, I know that no one is perfect.
But somehow I always think that I should be. That I'm not allowed to make mistakes. That I have to do better, be better, try harder. Because if I should fail (or lose, this is why I'm such a sore loser), I feel like I'm worthless. Like all the work I put into whatever it was is wasted. But when I'm winning, I shrug it off as nothing and go on trying for something bigger.
There has got to be some kind of psychological diagnosis for that.
Of course, I'm not the type to go to a shrink. I'm the kind of person who thinks I can fix everything on my own. Why? Because asking for help is admitting weakness, admitting failure. Which, as per the previous paragraphs is kind of a big thing for me.
Anyway, I didn't mean to rant about this for so long. I guess I'm just feeling a bit down today, and frustrated because I can't make anything work out the way I want it to. A lot of decisions regarding my personal future are still in the works...and I hate not knowing what I'm going to be doing next.
On another note, I'm kind of questioning God right now. I'm a big "why" person, and anyone who knows me knows that I'm always trying to get to the bottom of things. So...I'm at a loss as to why certain things are happening in my life, and I'm trying to petition God for the answers. And for those of you who shrink back at that statement, here's a thought for you.
Do you think that God isn't big enough to handle our questions? He already knows how we're feeling anyway, might as well tell him. Do you think He's too weak to handle it? I don't think so. I believe that God is Omnipotent, Omniscient, and Omnipresent. And if He's all of those things, then I think He can deal with a few questions. After all, doubting is not a sin. Questioning things isn't a sin. If we don't question, how will we be certain in our faith? How will we know that we believe what we claim to believe? I think that doubting is part of the refining of our faith.
So, it is perfectly okay that I've got a few questions for God!
To end on a happier note, because I hate ending on a harsh one, the weather outside is glorious today. It's sunny and warm and slightly windy...just the way I like it. I just wish I hadn't been rained on this morning. Can you say cold and wet? Haha! Well, until next time, guys...
Friday, March 27, 2009
Just me...being depressing...
Right now, my life is taking yet another disappointing turn.
It seems like every time I have something good going, something happens and it falls through. I feel so discouraged right now, I don't even know what to think. Or even how to think, really.
So, to bring you guys up to speed, for a few months now I've been gearing up preparing for a summer job position at Look Up Lodge. Well...today I found out that isn't going to happen. I don't harbor any resentment, or any harsh feelings. I'm not mad or angry at anyone, not even myself.
I'm disappointed. Let down, I guess. By what, I don't know. I can't blame myself, as I did the very best I could...and really, it wasn't my fault that I didn't get it. Apparently a former staffer decided to return, so... they took the position. Which is fine. I'm cool with that, and I understand exactly why the returner would get the job over me. Because of that, I'm not disappointed in myself, or in the camp. They did what they thought was best, and I abide by their judgment.
So, what am I disappointed in?
To be honest, I'm not really sure. I've been thinking about this a lot recently, and I've decided that if I'm not disappointed in myself, and I'm not disappointed in the camp, then I'm probably disappointed in God.
Which got me thinking...how many people out there are disappointed in God? When something doesn't work out like WE think it should, or when something doesn't go OUR way, how many times do we get disappointed and angry at the God of the UNIVERSE, the One who knows absolutely EVERYTHING?
Do we have a right to be angry or disappointed with God?
I hear all the time at school that God wants to give us His best for us. Now, His best may not be what WE think is best. It may not even be what we want! And it may very well be filled with persecution, pain, and heartache.
Yikes.
I am beginning to see why so many people turn from God in situations where they are disappointed and/or angry. You get to this point where all you can see is the negative, and you start to doubt whether or not you're going to be happy in God's will.
I told you I was going to be frank with you.
Truth is, I really don't know if I want to follow God right now. I didn't want my summer to just be another boring summer, working for a caterer and lounging around at home. But now I don't see any other choice. Everyone keeps saying that "God has something for you this summer, He just hasn't shown it to you," but if God's will for me is to work at something insignificant and meaningless this summer, then I don't know if I want any part of it.
My faith has boiled down to a conscious decision to follow Christ. I have chosen to do so, and so I will. It is no longer motivated by warm fuzzy feelings. If anything, I'm rather unhappy with the way things worked out.
Do you realize that for the next two months, I will be faced with the stark reality that I'm not going to be doing what my heart longed to do? That I will be faced with constant reminders that I'm not where I wanted to be?
It's going to hurt.
Even if I manage to shrug it off, even if I manage to pretend that I'm okay, I know I'll be shattering inside.
I blame myself.
I get the feeling that this is some sort of spiritual test, and I get the feeling that I'm going to fail.
I can't hold myself together.
But I don't want to go to the One who can. Because I'm afraid that He'll break me even more. And though I know that He'll mold me into something beautiful...I'm afraid of the pain. I want to trust Him, but I don't. I want to lean on Him, but I'm not. I want to cling to His promises, but...I don't feel like they apply to me anymore.
I don't want to think about how He's going to "do something wonderful" through this. I don't want to hear how God has a plan for my life. I want to wallow in my misery, because that's human nature.
Yet, I also want encouragement. I want someone to sit me down with a Bible and pour out God's love on me. I want to be loved, and I know what's right, but I'm just not feeling it right now!
It seems like every time I have something good going, something happens and it falls through. I feel so discouraged right now, I don't even know what to think. Or even how to think, really.
So, to bring you guys up to speed, for a few months now I've been gearing up preparing for a summer job position at Look Up Lodge. Well...today I found out that isn't going to happen. I don't harbor any resentment, or any harsh feelings. I'm not mad or angry at anyone, not even myself.
I'm disappointed. Let down, I guess. By what, I don't know. I can't blame myself, as I did the very best I could...and really, it wasn't my fault that I didn't get it. Apparently a former staffer decided to return, so... they took the position. Which is fine. I'm cool with that, and I understand exactly why the returner would get the job over me. Because of that, I'm not disappointed in myself, or in the camp. They did what they thought was best, and I abide by their judgment.
So, what am I disappointed in?
To be honest, I'm not really sure. I've been thinking about this a lot recently, and I've decided that if I'm not disappointed in myself, and I'm not disappointed in the camp, then I'm probably disappointed in God.
Which got me thinking...how many people out there are disappointed in God? When something doesn't work out like WE think it should, or when something doesn't go OUR way, how many times do we get disappointed and angry at the God of the UNIVERSE, the One who knows absolutely EVERYTHING?
Do we have a right to be angry or disappointed with God?
I hear all the time at school that God wants to give us His best for us. Now, His best may not be what WE think is best. It may not even be what we want! And it may very well be filled with persecution, pain, and heartache.
Yikes.
I am beginning to see why so many people turn from God in situations where they are disappointed and/or angry. You get to this point where all you can see is the negative, and you start to doubt whether or not you're going to be happy in God's will.
I told you I was going to be frank with you.
Truth is, I really don't know if I want to follow God right now. I didn't want my summer to just be another boring summer, working for a caterer and lounging around at home. But now I don't see any other choice. Everyone keeps saying that "God has something for you this summer, He just hasn't shown it to you," but if God's will for me is to work at something insignificant and meaningless this summer, then I don't know if I want any part of it.
My faith has boiled down to a conscious decision to follow Christ. I have chosen to do so, and so I will. It is no longer motivated by warm fuzzy feelings. If anything, I'm rather unhappy with the way things worked out.
Do you realize that for the next two months, I will be faced with the stark reality that I'm not going to be doing what my heart longed to do? That I will be faced with constant reminders that I'm not where I wanted to be?
It's going to hurt.
Even if I manage to shrug it off, even if I manage to pretend that I'm okay, I know I'll be shattering inside.
I blame myself.
I get the feeling that this is some sort of spiritual test, and I get the feeling that I'm going to fail.
I can't hold myself together.
But I don't want to go to the One who can. Because I'm afraid that He'll break me even more. And though I know that He'll mold me into something beautiful...I'm afraid of the pain. I want to trust Him, but I don't. I want to lean on Him, but I'm not. I want to cling to His promises, but...I don't feel like they apply to me anymore.
I don't want to think about how He's going to "do something wonderful" through this. I don't want to hear how God has a plan for my life. I want to wallow in my misery, because that's human nature.
Yet, I also want encouragement. I want someone to sit me down with a Bible and pour out God's love on me. I want to be loved, and I know what's right, but I'm just not feeling it right now!
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
MmmHmm, life is grand.
Color me a dreamer, and a hopeless romantic if you will.
But today was the best day I've had in a long while. Why is this? Well...today I got a whole heaping truckload of male attention and affirmation. And while I try to tell myself that I really don't care what the guys think, that is a load of nonsense. Of course I care! One day I'll go on my femininity rant and tell you guys exactly why most (if not all) girls care what guys think.
But that is a story for another time. Right now, I want to tell you about my day! :)
So, it started out as a normal day, and proceeded to be dull, drone, and relatively boring until my Creation Studies class. I pulled out my phone to check the time, and lo and behold, I had two texts from some guy I didn't know who claimed to be a friend of my cousin. Well...I text her, and I demand an explanation. Apparently, this guy is a good guy, who she thinks I'll get along with.
In girl talk, that means that my cuz is trying to set me up with this guy.
No other way to translate that. It is what it is, yo. Anyway, I'm not too keen on this idea, because I don't really trust my cousin's taste in guys. Add to that the fact that one of my pet peeves is being set up with people I don't pick out myself. But...I'm feeling adventurous, so I decide to give the guy a chance, make it clear that I don't want a relationship at this point, yadda yadda yadda. All of which I did. But here's the thing. For the first time since...I dunno, maybe five or six months ago, a guy told me goodnight. Geez, I'm so lame. See, for some odd reason, that makes me go all mushy inside.
Now don't get me wrong. I'm still a solid fortress, impervious to the charms and wiles of boys. I know better, mkay? I looked at this objectively, and this guy is most likely not right for me. He's no Prince Charming...and I'm really not all that interested. I'm trying not to string him along, and I'm hoping that he, like myself, really just wants a friend.
Anyway, it just makes me feel special that he said goodnight to me. Doesn't change the facts.
But that's not all that happened today. An old friend took the time to chat with me, reconnect, and brighten my day significantly. To him I owe more than he knows, and my confidence was surely boosted by his zany antics. It made me really miss all my guy friends...and made me determine to accost them the next time I get a chance, so I can see what they've been up to. I think that maybe people hold a more favorable opinion of me than I realize, and that my being shy and sensitive and hesitant to reach out to people may in fact be one of the more ridiculous aspects of my personality. Meh, but we'll have to see what comes of this.
Basically, I'm just ridiculously happy because I feel like I'm wanted. Which, according to the Elridge's (I'm reading Captivating right now), is one of the basic needs of women. In that aspect, I feel so content right now. I feel pursued, beautiful, alluring...all the wonderful things that women are supposed to feel. And it's all because two people took time out of their day to make an impact on mine.
SO. That being said, think about the impact we have in the lives of others. How many lives are you affecting? We brush against people all the time, especially if you're like me and living on a campus somewhere. Wouldn't it be amazing if we could give people what they most desperately need? Then they would feel fulfilled and satisfied, and would in turn go out and positively affect others. Believe me, this is a feeling that I feel like I have to share.
(This last paragraph was written with the assumption that one cannot be truly fulfilled unless one knows Jesus Christ as Lord and Savior.)
Anyway...it's late, and I should really head off to bed. I just wanted to document this amazing, awesome emotion...for further reference, I suppose. I know I'll have a down day where I may need some encouragement, and need to remember what this feels like.
Till my next blog...
Sayonara, lovelies!!
Katie
But today was the best day I've had in a long while. Why is this? Well...today I got a whole heaping truckload of male attention and affirmation. And while I try to tell myself that I really don't care what the guys think, that is a load of nonsense. Of course I care! One day I'll go on my femininity rant and tell you guys exactly why most (if not all) girls care what guys think.
But that is a story for another time. Right now, I want to tell you about my day! :)
So, it started out as a normal day, and proceeded to be dull, drone, and relatively boring until my Creation Studies class. I pulled out my phone to check the time, and lo and behold, I had two texts from some guy I didn't know who claimed to be a friend of my cousin. Well...I text her, and I demand an explanation. Apparently, this guy is a good guy, who she thinks I'll get along with.
In girl talk, that means that my cuz is trying to set me up with this guy.
No other way to translate that. It is what it is, yo. Anyway, I'm not too keen on this idea, because I don't really trust my cousin's taste in guys. Add to that the fact that one of my pet peeves is being set up with people I don't pick out myself. But...I'm feeling adventurous, so I decide to give the guy a chance, make it clear that I don't want a relationship at this point, yadda yadda yadda. All of which I did. But here's the thing. For the first time since...I dunno, maybe five or six months ago, a guy told me goodnight. Geez, I'm so lame. See, for some odd reason, that makes me go all mushy inside.
Now don't get me wrong. I'm still a solid fortress, impervious to the charms and wiles of boys. I know better, mkay? I looked at this objectively, and this guy is most likely not right for me. He's no Prince Charming...and I'm really not all that interested. I'm trying not to string him along, and I'm hoping that he, like myself, really just wants a friend.
Anyway, it just makes me feel special that he said goodnight to me. Doesn't change the facts.
But that's not all that happened today. An old friend took the time to chat with me, reconnect, and brighten my day significantly. To him I owe more than he knows, and my confidence was surely boosted by his zany antics. It made me really miss all my guy friends...and made me determine to accost them the next time I get a chance, so I can see what they've been up to. I think that maybe people hold a more favorable opinion of me than I realize, and that my being shy and sensitive and hesitant to reach out to people may in fact be one of the more ridiculous aspects of my personality. Meh, but we'll have to see what comes of this.
Basically, I'm just ridiculously happy because I feel like I'm wanted. Which, according to the Elridge's (I'm reading Captivating right now), is one of the basic needs of women. In that aspect, I feel so content right now. I feel pursued, beautiful, alluring...all the wonderful things that women are supposed to feel. And it's all because two people took time out of their day to make an impact on mine.
SO. That being said, think about the impact we have in the lives of others. How many lives are you affecting? We brush against people all the time, especially if you're like me and living on a campus somewhere. Wouldn't it be amazing if we could give people what they most desperately need? Then they would feel fulfilled and satisfied, and would in turn go out and positively affect others. Believe me, this is a feeling that I feel like I have to share.
(This last paragraph was written with the assumption that one cannot be truly fulfilled unless one knows Jesus Christ as Lord and Savior.)
Anyway...it's late, and I should really head off to bed. I just wanted to document this amazing, awesome emotion...for further reference, I suppose. I know I'll have a down day where I may need some encouragement, and need to remember what this feels like.
Till my next blog...
Sayonara, lovelies!!
Katie
Saturday, February 21, 2009
Blogs! Not just for school anymore.
So, in case you haven't noticed, those last few blog entries were for my COMS 220 class...which I miss so much. I had a ball in that class. Anyway, the point is, I'm going to be using this blog for its intended use: chatting about my "feelings" and whatnot. Which I know you're SO thrilled about, but hey, if you don't like it, get out of my blog. That's why it's here and not Facebook or Myspace. This right here is MY place, to put whatever the heck I want. And no one will be getting little notes on Facebook saying "Hey! Katie made another Notes post!" If you're reading this, then it's because you're genuinely interested, and you want to know more about me, not because you got some silly little indication on a social networking site.
Because of this, I will be much more frank about what's going on inside my head. And you're just going to have to deal with that. If you can't handle the unfiltered, unadulterated Katie, then...like I said, get out of my blog. I won't be mad with you if you never read this. Likewise, don't get mad if you see something here that "offends" you. I don't mean anything on here in a hurtful way, but...I'm not going out of my way to be politically correct or make everyone happy or any of that nonsense. This blog is for EMOTIONAL VENTING. Yes, I said it. I'm going to be venting on this blog. If you can't handle it...well, you get my drift. Sometimes I'll be full to bursting with happy/bubbly thoughts, and sometimes I won't. Sometimes, like right now (in case you haven't noticed) I'm going to be frustrated, agitated, irritated, angry, and ready to start flinging sharp objects at certain people who work my nerves! It's me, 100%. All sides, all factions, every last part of me. I'm not hiding anything on here.
Writing is theraputic for me. I calm down after getting my thoughts out, pouring out my emotions. I used to joke that people got to know me through my various emotional outbursts. Now that I'm old and cynical enough to realize that no one really appreciates my emotional explosions, I'm going to contain them to this blog. (and yes, I do sometimes think that people don't appreciate any aspect of me and just want me to go crawl into a hole somewhere. But that's a whole 'nother blog in itself.)
Anyway, if you know me, you know I'm always writing something. It varies what I write, but...all the time, I'm doing something with words. I've written poetry (which I may be posting here, actually), short stories, journal entries (which will probably remain private), devotionals, prayers, RP entries, etc. Hopefully I'll be writing more, as the more I write, the saner I become.
Well, now that I've gotten all that out...I can get on to the fun stuff! Actually talking about what's going on in my life. Now, if you've read to this point, you either love me (yay!) or you have waaaay too much time on your hands. Hmm, lesse. What can I tell you about what's happening? Oh! I know. So, I get to go home next weekend! I am SO excited about being able to see everyone again...being up here at college alone and fundless is starting to get stressful. I keep hoping that one of my applications will turn up a job interview...but so far no luck. I'm going tomorrow to put in more apps. Anyway, I'm so glad to be able to go see my family. I really miss them, and I know that they miss me!
Even further in the future....only 2 weeks from now...I will be going to Israel over spring break. I'm excited, afraid, nervous, and jittery! I've never flown internationally before, so I really don't know what to expect. (Coincidentally, Israel is the reason I'm flat broke this semester.) I'm gonna have a lot of fun, and I'm really excited about it. I'm taking loads of pictures, so don't worry! You'll get to see what happens to me in Israel. There is a bit of risk with traveling to Israel (or anywhere really), so prayers of safety are greatly appreciated. I'm not really worried about the safety aspect of the trip, because I am 100% sure that God wants me to go on this trip, and He'll keep me safe (if it's His will). Since this is God's plan and not mine, I know that whatever happens will be for His glory...and if that's so, then I really don't have anything to worry about. Besides, God says not to worry. :)
What else can I tell you... Well, I'm no longer a Journalism major. I switched over to English...and I'm slightly nervous about the switch. A lot of people write off English as a major that isn't good for much. And no, it's not a specialized major. But it is very flexible, and can be used for a great many different career paths. I'm going to be a Journalism minor, so it'll be slightly more concentrated. I realized last semester that I love my English classes, and I love the literature (although Faerie Queen made my mind ache, I do -not- love old english) more than I love Journalism...which entails a bunch of rules and procedures and little creativitiy in regards to writing style. I am not passionate about events that occur, or breaking news, or anything of that nature, so Journalism was beginning to look like a poor fit. However, you give me a book of good fiction...I'll be reading until I fall asleep on it's pages. If I could spend my whole life reading literature, I would. So, I switched my major to English. Only time will tell if I made the best decision.
Also new in my life is the fact that I'm trying out for the leadership position of Prayer Leader. I'm nervous and apprehensive because I have no clue how I'm going to lead a group of talented and beautiful women in Bible Study. No one back home seems too surprised. I love that I have such an awesome support group in my family. However...I think I rather surprised people here. Which just goes to show that they don't know me nearly as well as they think they do. I'm a very deep, complex person, so...I guess maybe I should work harder at showing the other sides of my personality. Right now, I kind of show the stressed out side of my personality mostly.
Well...I think that's everything for now. Uh...and this is a ridiculously long entry, so thanks for reading this far! Peace out.
Monday, December 8, 2008
Roomba glitches
In all my days as a techno-geek, I've never seen anything like this before. The Roomba I recently purchased has begun acting very strangely.
In the beginning, the new AI Roomba seemed like the answer to my dreams. It cleaned the house like a dream, provided I removed anything it could get tangled on (such as cords, pencils, random strings on the floor, etc.).
But lately, I've been noticing some very odd things about the Roomba. When I get up in the middle of the night for late-night snackage, the Roomba is missing from it's docking station. I later find it sitting dormant in another room, usually the dining room. What it's doing there, or why it left it's docking station, I don't know. Perhaps there is a glitch that iRobot hasn't fixed yet, after all, this is brand new software. Maybe the AI Roomba is the next Microsoft Vista, with all it's bugs and glitches.
Also, the Roomba doesn't always return directly to it's docking station. Sometimes I walk through the house, putting up laundry and whatnot, and see the Roomba "exploring" a room I most definitely did not leave it in. I'm not sure why the Roomba isn't going back to it's station, but I do know that it is really quite disconcerting. I don't like it one bit.
If you can put up with this weird behaviour, though, the Roomba is really quite the efficient little cleaner. I have no complaints with it's cleaning capabilities...although I may be writing Colin Angle sometime soon to discuss what the little bugger is doing acting so strangely.
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