To No-one, because no-one reads this.

I have come to the conclusion that no one reads this. That no one will ever see these words, or if they do, it will be completely by accident. So...I can write my heart here, because no one will ever find it.

I read a post today from a friend, someone who implored their readers to stop hiding from others. At one point in my life I had managed to quit hiding. The happiest days of my life were during the second semester of my sophomore year. If my friends ever read this...well, they know who they are. But now, because of circumstances, and because of me, we have grown apart.

This always happens.

I recently read "The Five Love Languages: Singles Edition" by Gary Chapman. I discovered that my primary love language is words of affirmation...which I already knew. The confirmation devastated me, because I feel weak for depending on others to feel valued. I wage an internal war against myself, craving and needing confirming positive affirmations from my friends and family, and loathing myself for needing to be told over and over that I am needed, valued, and loved. In my relationships (which include friendships), failure is inevitable. At first, there is always loads of affirmation, as we are just starting to get to know each other. We share stories, secrets, and are constantly showing affection in the form of compliments and niceties. But then, just as everything seems perfect, the affirmation stops. I'm not sure why it does, as I keep giving it (I'm always trying to stay positive, or have something good to say about someone else. It's a throwback to my need for affirmation), but it stops on the part of the other person.

Then I start drawing away, because I feel like the relationship isn't what it used to be, or I'm unsure about what my place is, or what is wanted from me. Ultimately, I let my friends drift away from me because I manage to convince myself that I am no longer wanted.

And I don't know how to fix it.

I don't know what to do, or if I should do anything differently. I blame myself, wishing I could force myself to feel a different way. I would do anything to trade my neediness for words of affirmation for something like quality time. But...I can't. I'm stuck with it, and though my family tries to reassure me and tell me that it's okay, I don't feel like it is. I feel alone. I feel like I have destroyed all the relationships that I have had. I have alienated the people I love the most, simply because I am too afraid to try to relate to them!

I have developed the belief that people drift in and out of my life, and there's nothing I can do to change it. I am oh-so-jealous of those who have lifelong friends! That is something I just haven't been able to grasp. I am afraid to be myself, afraid to show my vulnerability...and I come across as cold and uncaring when I'm really not. I care about most everything, even when I try to pretend like I don't.

I'm continuing a friendship that cuts me to the bone because I know that my friend won't leave me. Though they hurt me with their cruel sarcasm and put-downs, I put up with it because they won't leave. I refuse to believe that I am unlovable, and I refuse to believe that I am unworthy of lifelong friendships.

I just wish I knew what to do to stop myself from screwing up my relationships. I wish I knew how to change.

The following is a short story I typed up. It's loosely based on my own experiences. Sorry for the short-ish ending. Enjoy!

Love from Above

Her name was Elizabeth.

She wandered the halls of Westmont University, feeling invisible among the throngs of people rushing by, their loud chatter ringing in her ears. She was new, a freshman, feeling lost and out of place, with nothing and no-one to turn to for the assurance that she desperately needed. Clutching her violin case to her slim frame, she pushed her silver-rimmed glasses up on her pixie-ish button nose and put on a brave face, willing herself to outlast the day. She made her way through the crowded hallway, the sea of unseeing faces allowing her to pass without a smile or a waved hello. She sat in her seat, one among hundreds, and stared silently at the professor during the lecture. He spoke about new beginnings, making a fresh start. “Yeah, right,” Elizabeth thought, fiddling with her frizzed curly brown hair, head tilted down to avoid making eye contact. “How can I make a new start, when I’m the same old reject from high school?” She sighed over her notes, her negativity permeating her thoughts into the same blue cloud she carried during her high school years. Shaking gently with the sobs she would never utter out loud, she rose from her seat as the lecture ended, making her way back to her pale white dorm room, walled in with cinder blocks like the county jail back home. Walking in to the stark blandness of an undecorated dorm room, she sat on her quilted bedspread, hands cradling her face as she tried to shake off the feeling of aloneness that dogged her every step.

The next day was no better than the first, nor the ones to follow. No friendly smiles, although perhaps that was because her eyes were glued to the tips of her sneakers. That was better, she told herself, than enduring their blank faces as they stared past her, looking for someone, anyone, other than her. Her classes were large, so large that making friends seemed unessential for the students, many not even speaking for the duration of the class, generic expressions plastered over their semi-bored faces. Elizabeth felt completely alone, completely invisible. Did no one care about her? Did no one see her? No one bothered to befriend her. Not even her roommate, who chatted with her boyfriend over the phone for hours before hitting the sheets, merely tossing a perfunctory “goodnight” Elizabeth’s way before turning out the lights. Over time, Elizabeth became increasingly run-down, the weight of her loneliness settling around her like a ball and chain. She became more and more reclusive, keeping to herself and the books she escaped into when the world seemed too much to bear. They, she told herself, were her only friends. They had served that purpose before, all throughout her high school years, and were a familiar balm to her aching heart.

One day, broken down in desperation, having nowhere else to turn, she went to one of the church services at a nearby church. The people there were as cold and unfriendly as those at school, allowing her to slip in and out of the back of the church without much notice from the congregation. The speaker was enthusiastic, but his words seemed directed towards everyone with their acts together. Elizabeth tuned out, feeling that he was speaking to everyone but her. Her life wasn’t perfect like theirs. She was falling apart, and she knew it. “And that’s the worst part. Knowing that I’m falling to pieces and there’s nothing I can do about it,” she thought, tilting her head down to hide the tears beginning to fall on her Bible. She had been to church all her life, even become a Christian at one point. But even God couldn’t fix her social inadequacy, so she thought. The crushing weight of her loneliness and awkwardness trapped her in a downwards spiral of bruised self-esteem that she couldn’t pull herself out of. But how could God, though supposedly all-powerful, care enough for her to rescue her from the abyss she had fallen into?

She lay awake in bed that night, wondering what she lacked. Why she went unnoticed still, when everyone around her was greeting with hugs and laughter.

“You’re not unnoticed to Me.”

She sat bolt upright. Where did that thought come from? She looked around for her roommate, poking her head up over the top bunk where her roommate slept, lightly snoring, clearly non-responsive for the time being. “If it wasn’t her….then, who?”

The next day she couldn’t get that feeling out of her head. The feeling that someone, somewhere, cared for her, even if it was just her imagination. But the weights settled around her heart again as the week went on, and the unseeing faces continued to look straight past her. That Sunday, she went back to the church, out of the same desperation, but also to prove that it wasn’t the church that had caused the momentary feeling of acceptance. This time, the speaker spoke about how God loved all people, calling them His “children,” and saying that He even knew the numbers of hairs on their heads, and that they had great value in His eyes. “Surely He doesn’t mean me, too,” she thought, brows furrowing in disbelief. “I’m a nobody.”

That night, Elizabeth opened her Bible for the first time on her own in years. She looked up verses about God’s love, feeling a warmth creep into her heart with each line. Curled up with her Bible, a desk lamp, and a pillow, she cried out to the Creator to give her hope again. To make her loneliness go away. To love her like He said he would. There was no voice from the skies, no miraculous sign. Nothing…but a gentle reassurance in her softly beating heart that He loved her already, and that she would never be alone. Her heart filled with peace, she turned off the lamp and slept with a smile on her face for the first time since coming to college.

The next day, she walked the halls with a timid smile on her face, her eyes shyly peeking up at the people walking past. A few of the unseeing faces actually looked her way, meeting her timid smile with a friendly one of their own. On her way back to the dorm, a fellow student bumped into her, dropping all her books. Instead of brusquely picking up her books and passing by Elizabeth, she giggled as she bent to get them, coming up with a bright smile.

“Sorry about that! So clumsy of me! So, are you new here too? What’s your name? My name is Sharon….”

Not the Same Old Song and Dance

So, my beautiful friends, it has been a while. My life has been a whirlwind of business, so I haven't been able to write in a while.

As always, I have plenty to say...but I don't have time to tell you all about my life. So I'll spare you the details, though feel free to ask if there's something you want to know.

This past summer, I worked at White Lake Water Park. I was at a loss to why I wasn't able to get a camp job, as a staffer, and I was frustrated and wondered why God put me there when I could be doing something elsewhere. I had horrible managers, who treated me poorly and forced me to work two or more people's jobs at once. They promised me 40 hours, then cut me to less than 20. At the end of the summer, after saving and penny-pinching, I barely had enough money to buy books. (being an English major is expensive) I went through the entire summer screaming at God, "WHY????"

Then I came back to school. I expected things to get better, and, in many aspects they have. I have awesome roommates for the first time in three years, who I can get along with and co-exist with peaceably (so far). I am surrounded by people who love God. The Christian atmosphere is amazing.

But...I have more problems than ever this semester. Financial crisis arose, and I'm having trouble getting this semester paid for. I'm living on ten dollars right now, and, although I did get a job, my first paycheck doesn't come until two weeks from now. I'm swamped in schoolwork, more so than ever before (yay upper level English classes!), and I have very little time to work on it (yay for a 17-hour schedule on top of an 18-hour courseload). Time management has never been my strong suit, so I've been really struggling to get everything done I need to get done.

On top of all this, I'm a prayer leader as well. I love my girls, and I feel like I'm failing them, because I haven't been able to spend time with them like I feel I should, and I don't have time to do many things for them. I'm rarely on the hall, and I'm seriously considering dropping my position next semester on the grounds that I don't have enough time to be the friend and counselor that they need.

Needless to say, life is kicking my butt. Seriously.

The good news is that I'm getting everything resolved. Slowly but surely, I'm getting used to not having time. I'm sleeping less, yes, but I'll get used to that as well. I'm struggling, but I refuse to drown. I won't let this beat me. I won't give up, I won't give in. The temptation is strong right now to neglect God, to neglect my quiet times, to neglect everything that I need to live a happy life. Or, joyful, if I can't be happy. Happiness depends on outward circumstances, which aren't always pleasant. But God's joy comes from within. I've decided that this semester will be a good one, regardless of how I feel, or how tired I am, or how downtrodden I might be.

Yes, every day is a struggle. Yes, every day I'm exhausted. YES, every day I want to quit.

But what I will reap at the end of the semester is worth it.

And I will be stronger for it! Life doesn't always hand you hard times, but when it does, you'd better know that the only way you'll be strong enough to handle them is if you're backed up by the One who exudes power! GOD CAN HANDLE IT! In my darkest hours, when I am backed up against the wall, when I can't do anything except cry, when I want to completely give up, God is the One who holds me close, who whispers softly that I can do this, because He is with me every step of the way. My favorite poem right now is the "Footsteps" poem. Cliche, yes, but I firmly believe that God is carrying me right now.

I can't survive this semester on my own. I've bitten off more than I can chew, and I will choke on it unless I learn to lean on God even more.

And, by the way, I found out why last summer happened. Last summer, I dealt with people I didn't particularly like, at a job with constant difficulties, and was forced to do multiple things at once in a short amount of time. All those problems have reoccurred on a grand scale this semester. God gave me some practice. And thank goodness He did. Because I couldn't deal with this semester if he didn't.

Now, maybe next summer I'll get a camp job, to get to do what I love doing, with no distractions. Maybe then I'll be able to minister to a bunch of high-schoolers (and possibly middle-schoolers) and love on them and teach them about what God says about life.

But for now, I'm learning the lessons God is giving me, about time management, planning for the future, and dealing with all personality types. And if I don't get the camp job? Then God has something better. Maybe I won't think it's better at the time, but in the grand scheme of things, GOD is the One who knows my future, and HE knows what's best for me, even when I don't!

Hey, guys!

So, I'm at my grandma's house! Which has wireless internet, so Laverne gets to come out of her laptop bag! Yaaaaay!

Yes, we have wireless internet in the boondocks. Sheesh. We're not cavemen, you know. Redneck, yes. Hicks, most definitely. Cavemen, no.

So, I went to post that old blog, and the font is doing really weird things. I dunno, I've tried to fix it, but no luck. It's just plain strange, methinks.

Anyway, (and yes, my thoughts are rather scrambled tonight) I've been really busy since I've been home. Things are finally starting to slow down, which is both a good thing and a bad thing. It's a good thing, because I'll be able to get to my summer homework (yay for PL homework!), but a bad thing, because as I've already said, I get restless when things get dull around here. Hopefully I'll get hired somewhere, so I'll have a job to work at to keep me busy this summer.

I was right, though. The summer is like a fresh breath of air, and has cooled off a few things quite successfully. I'm able to take back and look at things objectively, which is exactly what I needed to do.

Anywho, I just wanted to touch base with you guys and let you know that I'm doing alright.

Hopefully, I'll see you all soon! (I have plans to come visit most everyone this summer, I think. Haha!)

5-9-2009

So, because the internet isn’t hooked up right now, I’m typing this on my computer to transpose onto my blog later! I love you guys, see how committed I am to writing to you? Haha!

Anyway, I just wanted to document how I’m feeling right now, because it is such an amazing thing to be home. I’m hanging out on a couch I know well, that’s seen many years of wear and tear (aka abuse), and my mom always has awesome snacks and REAL FOOD (oh my word!) stocked up. I’m going to have a hard time keeping myself from gaining a ton of weight! There’s just too much to tempt me here.

Coming home was an interesting experience. I feel like I left things undone back at college. I turned in my key, and all my stuff is with me, but I feel like I left a certain friendship with a loose end. Technically speaking, there was nothing either of us could do about it, but…I still don’t like it. I’ll probably be feeling like this until I see that person again in a few weeks. Hopefully, things won’t be left like this next time. But I’m fairly positive about things. But, yeah, so I’ll be travelling again in a few weeks! I’m really excited about it, because I love going new places and meeting new people. The date has been tentatively set for May 22, and unless things happen that drastically change that, I’ll be gone for three or four days. Long enough to get a feel of the place, and maybe go to Busch gardens with my beautiful friend Katie H.

Which is another thing! For some unknown, slightly strange reason, I seem to form close friendships with people who share my name. I have two amazing friends (so far) who share my name, and we’re like sisters almost. One of which is Katie H. Katie H. is an amazingly random person, who I understand only because I am random myself. We can follow each other’s thought patterns, and I’m fairly certain that anyone who chose to listen in on our conversations would probably get lost at some point. I met Katie H. my first semester of Freshman year, back when she was Katie Speck! She may have gotten married, but she’ll always be my “Speck.” So many memories are there! Like the time the Speckmobile crashed. Poor thing got totaled. That was such an awesome little Cavalier. (I got to drive it once; it’s the same year and model as mine, just automatic instead of manual.)

We had some awesome adventures my freshman year. I did a lot of growing that year…I started off the year as a bit of a brat, to be honest. I didn’t really adjust well to living on my own, and I didn’t know how to take charge of my own life. I let myself be walked over and manipulated, because that was easier than making my own decisions. But I lived and learned, and although I don’t even begin to pretend that I’ve got everything figured out, I know that I’m a bit better off in that aspect now, at least.

Last year, I couldn’t wait to be on my way home. Packing my car was an aggravating experience, and I was exhausted at the end of it from climbing three flights of stairs on each trip. I’m notoriously independent when it comes to packing my car, and I usually insist on doing it myself because I take great pains trying to fit everything together so that it utilizes the least amount of space. The drive home was long, and when I got back for the summer I didn’t want to ever leave again.

This is a drastic change from this year! This year, I actually laughed and enjoyed packing my car, even though the same frustrations were present (who knew I had so much stuff?!), AND I destroyed Sylvie. Sylvie is my T.V. She is a Sylvania brand, and as such, I dubbed her “Sylvie” when I first got her. I put her on my bed for safekeeping while I was packing up the DVD player underneath her (because it had to go in first), but I had to move my bed to get the power cord unstuck (it was pinched between my dresser and my bedpost). When I moved my bed, the TV toppled right off! Her plastic casing is cracked and probably unfixable, but at least the glass didn’t break. Dad’s going to try to fix it. Emphasis on the word “try.” So I may be replacing Sylvie this summer. Poor Sylvie….

So, on the drive home I had a lot to think about. First off, I was worried about Ben, because I was supposed to meet him this morning and he never showed. Since he doesn’t have a working phone, I had no way of knowing what happened to him. Turns out, he and his cousin both overslept, and didn’t get to LU (we were planning on going to graduation together) until 9:45. Apparently, he thought I would have left by then. What he didn’t know is that I waited for him until 10:10. I’m probably not going to tell him that, because I don’t want to sound accusatory (and I don't want him to feel guilty). He’ll know if he reads this, though. I made it in time to see Ben Stein, though! I sat on the lawn, it was a beautiful day, I got soooo sunburned, and I got a job offer for next semester!

Yeah! This lady randomly came up and asked to see my program, and so I gave it to her and we started talking, and apparently she’s the head of a bunch of kids’ camps in Lynchburg over the summer, and although it’s too late to work them this year, she’s really interested in having me as a tutor for some kids for next semester. She was really quite insistent, and even promised me lodging for the summer if I decided to stay! The only thing is that the camps aren’t Christian camps. But that’s okay for next semester, because I’m not really particular about that for a semester job. Besides, I have my Prayer Leader post to keep me on the spiritual side of things. If I try to do too much teaching, I may get stretched too thin, because I’m not so experienced at teaching.

This job would be on top of an 18 credit-hour course load, two CSERs (Christian Service, 20 hours each in one semester), and juggling my blossoming social life to boot. Also, since one of my CSERs is my being a Prayer Leader, I’m going to be taking time out of my schedule to let them know that I love them and am here for them. Which is going to make my schedule really, REALLY tight. But, if I manage my time well, I think I can do it all.

The thing is, I’ve never really been all that good at time management. I guess I get to learn! I’ll take a few pointers from my old roommate, Miss Stacy Finnigan! She is awesome. For serious. If you get a chance to know her, DO IT. You won’t regret it.

Oh! I learned a new word today. I was reading a pilfered book from my brother’s room, and in it a character called a little boy “Doodlebug.” I like it! I think I’m going to name something “Doodlebug.” I just don’t know what yet.

So, this note has run really long. I guess I just have a lot on my mind right now. I haven’t even scratched the tip of the iceberg…but at least you guys know a little of what’s going on with me.

Till next time, guys…

Of the strange sickness of heart called Loneliness...

I'm here in my dorm room, watching Jane Eyre with Lauren. I'm struck by the notion that I have nothing to do...and I don't particularly like that. All day I've been getting some minute things accomplished, such as selling back my books and getting my CSER forms signed. But now I have nothing really to do. No schedule to keep, nothing to work on.

You'd think I'd be excited and happy about that. You'd think I'd be thrilled that I'm done with school and such.

But...everyone is gone from LU. All my friends, my roommates, most everyone that I care about has left, or will be leaving tomorrow. I can't stand being left here. I can't stand everyone leaving one by one. I'm still resolved to keep myself busy until graduation, and I think I can manage it. However, I am not happy here any longer, not with everyone else gone.

LU is but an empty shell without it's occupants. It must be hard for the Falwell's when we leave, as they stay here throughout the summer while the students leave for home. The students are the lifeblood of this place. We keep this place alive, and give it its character. Without us, this place has no heart, no liveliness.

So, being here without the heart of LU is a most distressing experience. I know, I know, I should be okay with this. I should just be tough. And I am trying to be. I am managing to retain my sanity, and keep my cool. But I am lonely. And I have never handled loneliness well.

Studies...

So, I should be studying right now for my 10:30 exam. But I just feel so overwhelmed with confusing, conflicting emotions that I can't focus.

See, I've pretty much figured out that the thing I wanted to happen is pretty much not going to happen for various reasons. One, I'm an idiot, and I don't think before I do stuff. Two, it's looking like things won't work out for next semester, and even if they do, I still won't be able to be around much. Three, I really don't have the time next semester anyway. Four, I'm still very confused, and I don't know where I stand. Five, I don't want to mess up the friendships I've got going.

So, even though I really want that certain thing to happen, I don't think it will. There's just so much in opposition of it, and all I can think of to do is just wait and watch for God to do something big....or say "no." I'm not being particularly optimistic about any of this, because God has recently been showing me amazing things, but not letting me go do them. After practically hitting me on the head with a calling, or opportunities for summer employment, God pulls back and tells me that I can't do whatever it was that I thought I was supposed to do.

Maybe it's me not listening close enough, I don't know. All I know is that I'm trying, and everything is crashing around my ears. The one thing that hasn't is prayer leader, and I am soooo unbelievably grateful and excited about next semester. I'm already writing down ideas for lessons, and I can't wait to meet my girls!

But, because God has been telling me to wait, and telling me no, I'm afraid that He'll do the same thing this time, with this specific instance that I won't tell you about. Annoying, isn't it? Me rambling on about something that I won't come right out and say. Well, those are the breaks.

Anyway, so, because I'm not sure what God wants, I'm refusing to get my hopes up. The way I figure it, if God really wants this to happen, then He'll have to do it, because I don't trust myself to do this right. Especially because I've been messing up so much lately.