Facebook

Have you ever noticed that Facebook is nothing more than glorified stalking?

Or that high school drama can be magnified to a larger scale? For instance,

"OMG, Johnny went out with Kelly last night. I totally hate her now! She is so not my friend anymore."

So then Kelly gets hurt, and wonders what in the world happened.

This happened to my brother not long ago, and it has happened very recently to another friend of mine (though that situation is different).

I'm going to stick my neck out and say that if you delete someone you know in real life and see on a regular basis, you should probably tell them what's up. Why? Because they won't know otherwise. Deleting them on Facebook is a passive-aggressive act that is uncalled for and very immature.

Communication is key. If that person is not spoken to and an explanation is not given, then that person will have no idea what on earth they've done to upset you. People are not mind readers. You have to tell us what's on your mind.

Also, if the deleting was for something trivial and petty, then shame on you.

Daydreaming about Dreaming

I hate losing control. I fear my own anger, what it provokes me to do and say. I hate trust falls--as a former camper and camp counselor, I've had to fall off a platform several times. Luckily, my fellow campers/staffers have always had my back, and I've never fallen. But that moment where my feet fall away from the floor is the most terrified I ever am. The world is falling away, I'm falling, and I just know I'm going to splat against the ground. But then I never do. But even knowing I'll be fine, I still fear falling and trust exercises. The loss of control is terrifying.

But for someone who fears losing control (though usually I have nothing to worry about in that department), I love dreaming. When we sleep, we lose control of our bodies as well as our thoughts. We completely surrender to our need for rest, and in return for our surrender and weakness, we get dreams. I am usually blessed with strange, chaotic, beautiful, and sometimes frightening dreams. Very rarely do I have any direction in my dreams, but I am usually feeling and seeing whatever is happening. And it is wonderful. Why? It's like living a fairytale story.

In my dreams, I can breathe underwater, fly, run a million miles, or do anything I want. Even sprout feathers. That happened once. I was very bewildered when I woke up. (I thought it was hilarious, though.) I think it is because of my dreams--the sleeping kind, not my lofty goals for my future--that allows me to still see the creativity and beauty of the world. My dreams soften my heart and take me back to when I was a kid again, back when sprouting feathers was something that could actually maybe happen. (I spent a good portion of my childhood wishing I could get my owl from Hogwarts and then become an Animagus.)

The point is, to get those glorious dreams, I have to give up my precious control. Control of self is the only control I have--I'm not the type to knowingly manipulate others to get what I want, or try to control events or other people's lives. Oddly enough, it is usually me being manipulated and controlled for the benefit of others.

As for why my dreams are full of nonsense, I really have no idea. It could be a product of my fantasy literature collection, my own very unique subconscious, or it could be that God sends the dreams. Regardless of which it is, I love my dreams, and I don't mind that I have to give up control to get them.

Now if only I could figure out how to not mind falling so much...

Verse of the Day

This is one of my personal favorites.

Luke 8:17 "For all that is secret will eventually be brought into the open, and everything that is concealed will be brought to light and made known to all."

This means exactly what it says. You can't keep something secret. Eventually, people will know about it. Now, if it's a good secret, like a surprise birthday party, that might not be so bad. But if it's not, and you're doing something wrong, or something that you know will hurt someone else if they found out...

Well, secrets will out. And ultimately, no matter the type of secret, in the end it will be the secret-keeper who faces the consequences. The moral of the story? Don't sneak around, or do shady stuff. It never ends well, people will find out, and if they decide to put you to the coals?

There's no defending that sort of thing. Not really.

What is Love? (Don't Hurt Me)

I totally have Haddaway on the brain.

You know what love is? Do you really? Today was in a large part a lesson in love for me. Firstly, in class we talked about how Kate Croy (The Wings of the Dove again) and her love for Merton Densher. They had passion, but no love (at least not yet, we're not done with the novel). Prof. Towles was talking about how passion does not equal love--and he said that love does not begin until after passion fizzles out. I'm out of passion right now. But I can choose to love now, because this, in the midst of pain and heartbreak and aching sadness is where love can begin.

I don't know if you believe in God, or what. But I do, and I've been having issues with Him lately. But I'm an ungrateful person, and I don't appreciate Him like I should. I mean, just because He doesn't make sense to me doesn't mean that He isn't powerful, and it doesn't mean that He doesn't love me. And there are certain parallels between my relationship with God and some situations in my life with how I'm dealing with people.

I'm realizing that I can't stop loving them just because they disappoint me, or hurt me. But here's the thing. I can't love like that on my own. Do you know what that requires? Complete self-sacrifice.

Do you know why it's hard to love like that? Because sometimes, the other person isn't being very lovable. Or maybe you aren't. But regardless of what is happening, it is not always easy to love someone. It's very hard to love my brother at six AM, when he wakes me up while he's getting ready for school. Does that mean that I shouldn't love him? Absolutely not.

1 Corinthians 13:4-8 says "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails."

If you love somebody, that doesn't mean you let them walk all over you. But you do have to kill your selfishness and quit picking at faults in someone else. Not all conflict is about the other person. Sometimes the cause is you. And when it is, and even when it isn't, you have to humble yourself, swallow your pride, and go to that person with an apologetic heart. Otherwise, things are not going to get better. I am guilty of not doing that. I think we all are sometimes.

Right now, I'm pretty much heartbroken. I'm done trying to hide my brokenness. I'm sorry I even tried that in the first place. But even though I'm in severe emotional pain, I will still choose to love. Because Jesus came for me when I was still guilty and undeserving...and if I can't pass that love on now, then I am a disgrace to Him. So even though I will be cut down again and again, I will still choose to love. It isn't going to be easy. I can't do it alone. I'm leaning on God to help me out here. Which is hard for me. I'm having issues with God right now.

But my issues aren't as important to me that I would hang on to them for the sake of my pride. I'll still question, but...right now it is more important that I love. I don't know what I'm going to do to show that love, but...I'm sure He's got some ideas about that.

The Wings of the Dove

Are you ready? Can you see?

See the way you're controlling me.

I have a heart that yearns to love

I'll fly away on wings, a dove.

You can't stop me, oh you'll see!

His heart forever belongs to me.

My escape, my love, my liberty

Away, apart from you, I'll be

Apparently I'm in a poetic mood. All poems in this blog post are (mostly) inspired by Henry James's novel The Wings of the Dove. I took some creative liberties. The book's got a pretty decent story, but it is anything but an easy read. I have issues with James's style of writing. It's too flowery and filled with fluff for me. Give me some Mark Twain over Henry James any day. Not only is Twain easier to understand, he's way more patriotic than James. James ran off to Europe and became an ex-patriot.

Granted, I imagine it's far more romantic to fly away to Europe. I mean, have you seen Venice? Yeah, I haven't either. But I've seen pictures, and man. That place is gorgeous.

Anyway, like I said earlier, anything personal will be cryptic. Sorry. It kills me to do it, but I'd rather be careful. A lot of drama is happening right now, and it's better to be safe than sorry.

I'll leave you with one last poem, just in case my bad poetry hasn't already fried your brain cells.

Living life like puppets on strings,

break away.

You say you can't choose anything,

break away.

The Light at the End of the Tunnel

Encrypted words in disguise, looking through closed windows, the bars creep open, my chains are rattling free...though imprisonment endures from an unexpected source, my freedom is sure to come. The date is set, the battle nearly won...waiting for the last grain of sand to fall. Then my freedom is complete.

Meaning locked behind closed doors, my heart in a prison of safety. Creativity squelched for the sake of peace. Strangled words whisper my plea, understanding is hopefully futile. I apologize for the veiled words, honest speech only ignites the flames higher. I have refused to give up on writing, even if I must write in incomprehensible babble.

Maybe one day I can write openly again, without judgment. But for now, whatever I might want to pen that is even the slightest bit personal will be hidden among the adjectives and adverbs.

I will say this. It is hard to know if there is really a light at the end of the tunnel...or if it's just the train coming to smash me to bits. We'll have to wait and see.

-Kat

I'm probably not going to be writing much anymore.

At least, not for a while.

Some real-life things have sort of made me view this blog as a bad outlet for me.

And I'm trying to graduate in May. So...yeah, that's my sole focus right now.

I write for me, so that I can express myself. But that, like everything else is fallen.

If it's broken, why use it?

I'll be back eventually. Just...don't look for me for a while.

-Kat