What is Love? (Don't Hurt Me)

I totally have Haddaway on the brain.

You know what love is? Do you really? Today was in a large part a lesson in love for me. Firstly, in class we talked about how Kate Croy (The Wings of the Dove again) and her love for Merton Densher. They had passion, but no love (at least not yet, we're not done with the novel). Prof. Towles was talking about how passion does not equal love--and he said that love does not begin until after passion fizzles out. I'm out of passion right now. But I can choose to love now, because this, in the midst of pain and heartbreak and aching sadness is where love can begin.

I don't know if you believe in God, or what. But I do, and I've been having issues with Him lately. But I'm an ungrateful person, and I don't appreciate Him like I should. I mean, just because He doesn't make sense to me doesn't mean that He isn't powerful, and it doesn't mean that He doesn't love me. And there are certain parallels between my relationship with God and some situations in my life with how I'm dealing with people.

I'm realizing that I can't stop loving them just because they disappoint me, or hurt me. But here's the thing. I can't love like that on my own. Do you know what that requires? Complete self-sacrifice.

Do you know why it's hard to love like that? Because sometimes, the other person isn't being very lovable. Or maybe you aren't. But regardless of what is happening, it is not always easy to love someone. It's very hard to love my brother at six AM, when he wakes me up while he's getting ready for school. Does that mean that I shouldn't love him? Absolutely not.

1 Corinthians 13:4-8 says "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails."

If you love somebody, that doesn't mean you let them walk all over you. But you do have to kill your selfishness and quit picking at faults in someone else. Not all conflict is about the other person. Sometimes the cause is you. And when it is, and even when it isn't, you have to humble yourself, swallow your pride, and go to that person with an apologetic heart. Otherwise, things are not going to get better. I am guilty of not doing that. I think we all are sometimes.

Right now, I'm pretty much heartbroken. I'm done trying to hide my brokenness. I'm sorry I even tried that in the first place. But even though I'm in severe emotional pain, I will still choose to love. Because Jesus came for me when I was still guilty and undeserving...and if I can't pass that love on now, then I am a disgrace to Him. So even though I will be cut down again and again, I will still choose to love. It isn't going to be easy. I can't do it alone. I'm leaning on God to help me out here. Which is hard for me. I'm having issues with God right now.

But my issues aren't as important to me that I would hang on to them for the sake of my pride. I'll still question, but...right now it is more important that I love. I don't know what I'm going to do to show that love, but...I'm sure He's got some ideas about that.

The Wings of the Dove

Are you ready? Can you see?

See the way you're controlling me.

I have a heart that yearns to love

I'll fly away on wings, a dove.

You can't stop me, oh you'll see!

His heart forever belongs to me.

My escape, my love, my liberty

Away, apart from you, I'll be

Apparently I'm in a poetic mood. All poems in this blog post are (mostly) inspired by Henry James's novel The Wings of the Dove. I took some creative liberties. The book's got a pretty decent story, but it is anything but an easy read. I have issues with James's style of writing. It's too flowery and filled with fluff for me. Give me some Mark Twain over Henry James any day. Not only is Twain easier to understand, he's way more patriotic than James. James ran off to Europe and became an ex-patriot.

Granted, I imagine it's far more romantic to fly away to Europe. I mean, have you seen Venice? Yeah, I haven't either. But I've seen pictures, and man. That place is gorgeous.

Anyway, like I said earlier, anything personal will be cryptic. Sorry. It kills me to do it, but I'd rather be careful. A lot of drama is happening right now, and it's better to be safe than sorry.

I'll leave you with one last poem, just in case my bad poetry hasn't already fried your brain cells.

Living life like puppets on strings,

break away.

You say you can't choose anything,

break away.

The Light at the End of the Tunnel

Encrypted words in disguise, looking through closed windows, the bars creep open, my chains are rattling free...though imprisonment endures from an unexpected source, my freedom is sure to come. The date is set, the battle nearly won...waiting for the last grain of sand to fall. Then my freedom is complete.

Meaning locked behind closed doors, my heart in a prison of safety. Creativity squelched for the sake of peace. Strangled words whisper my plea, understanding is hopefully futile. I apologize for the veiled words, honest speech only ignites the flames higher. I have refused to give up on writing, even if I must write in incomprehensible babble.

Maybe one day I can write openly again, without judgment. But for now, whatever I might want to pen that is even the slightest bit personal will be hidden among the adjectives and adverbs.

I will say this. It is hard to know if there is really a light at the end of the tunnel...or if it's just the train coming to smash me to bits. We'll have to wait and see.

-Kat

I'm probably not going to be writing much anymore.

At least, not for a while.

Some real-life things have sort of made me view this blog as a bad outlet for me.

And I'm trying to graduate in May. So...yeah, that's my sole focus right now.

I write for me, so that I can express myself. But that, like everything else is fallen.

If it's broken, why use it?

I'll be back eventually. Just...don't look for me for a while.

-Kat

Who is your audience?

I keep up with many people through blogs. It's fun, and I enjoy it, but I can't help but notice that some writing speaks clearly to me and some just...well, doesn't. Being an English major, I really like big words. They make me feel smart, and I like being able to rattle them off and actually know what they mean. I might even drop a few here and there in this blog. But the question I think every writer should ask themselves is this: Does my audience understand what I'm saying?

If you're only aiming to impress people with your massive use of grammatical vocabulary, then by all means, keep writing your glamorous prose. But if you really want your audience to think about what you're writing, then you might want to keep your language free from confusing words.

This is something I struggle with sometimes. Like I said, I really like my big words. But what I like even more is when I can allow my audience to think about the meaning behind the words, instead of just wondering what the heck those words meant.

If I do nothing more than that, than making my language clear and understandable, then I really do believe I've done my job as a writer. Though I might drop a challenge or two along the way. A broader vocabulary never hurt anyone, after all.

Resolved

I hereby resolve that this year I will get involved more and have more fun and quit being a stick in the mud. I get so bogged down by what I have to do, what I should do, and what other people expect me to do, that I completely forget to just have fun. And, according to my friends, I'm way too young for that to be happening.

I realize that if I manage to pull off graduating in May (a grand feat of extraordinary proportions considering I'm behind), I'll get a nice healthy dose of reality when I go after my first "real job." Apparently all those summers working at the lake don't count as a "real job," whatever that is. Anyway, when I do secure this job and start the beginnings of what I hope is a nice happy career, I'm probably going to have to give up a lot of the fun college things that I get to do as a student. Things like late night ice-skating, free movies and popcorn in the basketball stadium, etc etc.

I'm going to miss being a student. So as of right now, I'm going to make the most of the time I've got left to just enjoy life.

P.S. My roommate has stopped running off for days and days at a time. So, for now, I'm not going to worry too much about it.

Back to the Grindstone

So, I've pretty much decided that I'm going to graduate this May. There's a lot of hard work ahead of me, but I'm confident I can get everything accomplished. College has been fun, but I'm tired of sinking thousands of borrowed dollars into my education. As the debt racks up, my anxiousness to be debt-free climbs. So I'm going to go out and do something about it. Starting just as soon as all my classes are over.

Speaking of classes, I'm currently in the middle of a week-long intensive course on Musical theater. By Friday evening, I'm convinced I will be a brainwashed mind-puppet that only sings showtunes because of the extremely long days and the mountain of work I'm plowing through each night.

It's definitely a good feeling to get weeks worth of classes done in one day, though.