Friday, March 27, 2009

Just me...being depressing...

Right now, my life is taking yet another disappointing turn.

It seems like every time I have something good going, something happens and it falls through. I feel so discouraged right now, I don't even know what to think. Or even how to think, really.

So, to bring you guys up to speed, for a few months now I've been gearing up preparing for a summer job position at Look Up Lodge. I found out that isn't going to happen. I don't harbor any resentment, or any harsh feelings. I'm not mad or angry at anyone, not even myself.

I'm disappointed. Let down, I guess. By what, I don't know. I can't blame myself, as I did the very best I could...and really, it wasn't my fault that I didn't get it. Apparently a former staffer decided to return, so... they took the position. Which is fine. I'm cool with that, and I understand exactly why the returner would get the job over me. Because of that, I'm not disappointed in myself, or in the camp. They did what they thought was best, and I abide by their judgment.

So, what am I disappointed in?

To be honest, I'm not really sure. I've been thinking about this a lot recently, and I've decided that if I'm not disappointed in myself, and I'm not disappointed in the camp, then I'm probably disappointed in God.

Which got me many people out there are disappointed in God? When something doesn't work out like WE think it should, or when something doesn't go OUR way, how many times do we get disappointed and angry at the God of the UNIVERSE, the One who knows absolutely EVERYTHING?

Do we have a right to be angry or disappointed with God?

I hear all the time at school that God wants to give us His best for us. Now, His best may not be what WE think is best. It may not even be what we want! And it may very well be filled with persecution, pain, and heartache.


I am beginning to see why so many people turn from God in situations where they are disappointed and/or angry. You get to this point where all you can see is the negative, and you start to doubt whether or not you're going to be happy in God's will.

I told you I was going to be frank with you.

Truth is, I really don't know if I want to follow God right now. I didn't want my summer to just be another boring summer, working for a caterer and lounging around at home. But now I don't see any other choice. Everyone keeps saying that "God has something for you this summer, He just hasn't shown it to you," but if God's will for me is to work at something insignificant and meaningless this summer, then I don't know if I want any part of it.

My faith has boiled down to a conscious decision to follow Christ. I have chosen to do so, and so I will. It is no longer motivated by warm fuzzy feelings. If anything, I'm rather unhappy with the way things worked out.

Do you realize that for the next two months, I will be faced with the stark reality that I'm not going to be doing what my heart longed to do? That I will be faced with constant reminders that I'm not where I wanted to be?

It's going to hurt.

Even if I manage to shrug it off, even if I manage to pretend that I'm okay, I know I'll be shattering inside.

I blame myself.

I get the feeling that this is some sort of spiritual test, and I get the feeling that I'm going to fail.

I can't hold myself together.

But I don't want to go to the One who can. Because I'm afraid that He'll break me even more. And though I know that He'll mold me into something beautiful...I'm afraid of the pain. I want to trust Him, but I don't. I want to lean on Him, but I'm not. I want to cling to His promises, but...I don't feel like they apply to me anymore.

I don't want to think about how He's going to "do something wonderful" through this. I don't want to hear how God has a plan for my life. I want to wallow in my misery, because that's human nature.

Yet, I also want encouragement. I want someone to sit me down with a Bible and pour out God's love on me. I want to be loved, and I know what's right, but I'm just not feeling it right now!