Why is it that we will tell others how much we like someone, but we won't tell them anything about it? Guys, if that person is like me, they don't know that they are liked. I suppose we assume that they must know, because they are just that awesome. But...I can never tell if I am liked/loved by someone unless it's completely and totally obvious. They have to actually tell me, or drop a few comments that hint at it. Maybe this is because I'm oblivious, but I digress. Anyway, I'm just feeling really insecure in my relationships right now. I never feel like I relate well to others, and I'm hardly ever confident in myself. I do the best I can, and I think I'm liked, but I'm not sure. I'm at the point in these new friendships that I usually start backing off, because I stop getting the words of confirmation that indicate that I am wanted as a friend. Go back a few posts and you'll see my absolute anguish that this happens. So, naturally, I'm starting to get worried. I can see the pattern starting to repeat itself, and though I try, I can't seem to be able to stop it. The fact that I'm writing this right now instead of hanging out with people is testament to that. I should be out with people, laughing and having fun. Instead...I write this alone in Holcomb, listening to Regina Spektor and wishing I were bolder.
Speaking of being bolder, I'm about as brave as a mouse. I know that, and it bugs me. I just wish I were cut from a tougher cloth. I look at some of the older staffers and see their vibrancy and boldness and brashness, and I wonder if I will ever be that open and transparent. I feel like I really just make a fool of myself when I try to be brave. I try to tell funny stories, but I freak out halfway through and botch the job. My whole life, I've wanted to be easy-going, effortlessly entertaining and fun to talk to. And if I'd quit letting my fears interfere, I might be. My family thinks that I'm entertaining. They say that I'm fun to be around. (I asked.) But around my friends/acquaintances, I just can't be that way. I care too much about what they think. Le sigh. Story of my life, for serious! I don't know if God will ever take that from me, or if there's some sort of benefit that my over-analyzing gives me. I guess we'll have to see in time what happens.
But enough about me. Let's talk about camp. My first week at camp was veeeeery interesting. See, a few of us tag-taught because we had a small week. I was paired with someone who is very detail-oriented and organized. Not only that, but they were inclined to take control of everything. Normally, I would have been relieved. But I'm beginning to realize that I am not called to be a follower all of the time. For whatever reasons, God seems to want me to lead on occasion. And I'm capable of leading. But...I'm much more inclined to follow. It's easier. I'm not responsible for big decisions that way. But there comes a time in life where everyone has to step up. My time is now. So, during the first week I struggled to lead. Tag-teaching is rough when there's a bit of a teaching-style difference.
The second week was a bit better, because I was on my own. But my kids weren't as attentive...and they honestly seemed bored a lot of the time. I guess I'm just not interesting? Who knows. Anyway, so, due to a few different situations happening and just the way I wasn't receiving positive confirmation from my students, I'm feeling a bit uncertain about my ability to present the material in an engaging way. Time to rely on God even more, methinks.
Oh! Oh! Some kids got baptized in the lake this past week! SO EXCITING! God is doing absolutely amazing things in these kids' lives! I don't know how (or if) He is using me to do this, but I can see Him using the other staffers to accomplish things for His glory. I think that is my favorite part of camp. Seeing how God uses the staff/worship leader/pastor to reach the campers. Worship is just so powerful here. Some of it is just emotional highs, but some of it is true life change, and I am just so excited to be a part of that.
About my track times...
Soccer is pretty awesome. The kids have varying levels of talent. Some have never played before, and some are can run circles around everyone (even me). The beauty of soccer is that the power of the team isn't found in a single individual. Everyone has to work together for a common goal. There are just so many ways to relate that to God and the body of Christ.
Sign Language is going very well. Many of my kids don't know that it's a performance track, so when I tell them, they get all nervous in a cutely adorable way. I know that they'll do great, and that they will be well prepared by the end, though. The past two weeks have been phenomenal with them. I love seeing them grow in their ability, and I love seeing the proud expressions on their face after they get off the stage. I'm ridiculously proud of them as well. My closest bonds are (usually) with my signers. I was really nervous about teaching this track, but now I don't think I would trade it for anything else.
I get the feeling that God wants to really grow me this summer. I'm excited, but also a little nervous. I've had a few spiritual "growing pains" in the past, and so I'm a bit antsy. But I know that life is better on the other side of trials, and that God has this wonderful way of bringing so much good out of hard places.