Saturday, December 25, 2010
Friday, December 10, 2010
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
Monday, December 6, 2010
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
Thursday, November 25, 2010
My sleep is deprived, my work is unwritten, and my nerves are frazzled. Piano banging (for it can't be called music) is crashing against my ears amidst the off-tune singing of a two-year-old. My brother blaring his guitar amp. My sister exclaiming in glee at the Macy's Day Thanksgiving Parade. My mom baking her Sweet Potato Casserole.
But even though I have been highly unproductive, my work is way behind, and I'm not going to sleep for the next two nights, there is no where else I'd rather be than here. Even though I get annoyed with my family sometimes, this is where I belong. This is where I am loved and understood.
I love my family and I'm thankful for them every day.
Sunday, November 14, 2010
Friday, November 12, 2010
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
Monday, October 18, 2010
Sunday, October 17, 2010
Saturday, October 16, 2010
Friday, October 15, 2010
Thursday, October 14, 2010
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
Saturday, October 2, 2010
And they call this "fine literature."
Friday, October 1, 2010
Friday, September 24, 2010
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
Sunday, September 12, 2010
Thursday, September 2, 2010
So, I've decided to compile a list of things that I have been asked to read by LU professors that might be considered "controversial" to those of delicate constitutions. Just, you know, for future reference. And to shamelessly retain my point of view that one can read writings of controversial nature without becoming corrupted. And sort of to justify my love of supernatural novels. But I digress.
Anyway, my list starts off with Shakespeare's notable play, Macbeth. It features three witches that are called "The Weird Sisters" (sound familiar, my fellow Potter nerds?). Here's a notable quote from them:
Round about the cauldron go,
In the poisoned entrails throw.
Toad, that under cold stone
Days and nights has thirty-one
Sweltered venom sleeping got,
Boil thou first i' th' charmèd pot.
Also, my personal favorite:
Double, double toil and trouble,
Fire burn, and cauldron bubble.
So, clearly, very obviously, we are dealing with witchcraft of the blacker sort. Yet I am not filled with the sudden desire to fetch a poisonous toad, rip out its entrails, and toss them into a charmed cauldron. Why is this? The jury's out on the answer. I'm leaning towards the idea that since I know that Macbeth is only a story, albeit a remarkable one, I have no desire to imitate it. It's not real. Real magic would probably scare me half to death. I know this, but the idea of the supernatural continues to fascinate me. I think this is because, at our heart, we all want to believe in something stronger than us. I mean, God Himself is supernatural. By trusting in Him, we are placing our trust in a supernatural "Higher power."
In the Bible, there are people raised from the dead. The blind can suddenly see. The scientifically unexplainable happens. Supernatural. Something far greater than we are. The reason, I think, that witchcraft is a sin is because it is, in effect, a mere mortal attempting to gain the powers of the divine. Naturally, these powers are perversions. And the rest of humanity flinches away at the not-rightness of it all. So, on this level, I agree. The idea of real-life witchcraft scares the bejeepers out of me.
But literature exists on a completely different and separate realm of consciousness. People write from their desires, and the supernatural in these stories stems from the human desire to be unique, separate, different from the rest of the sea of unnamed human faces. Have you ever had a flying dream? I have. So when I read about a fictional person who can fly through magical means (such as Tinkerbell), my heart can soar along with them through their fictional landscape.
What I'm saying is that, in the alternate dimension of writing, anything is possible.
And as for me, reading about impossible things inspires and intrigues me. Unicorns, faeries, princes, damsels in distress...even wizards. (Can you say Merlin?!) And I'm not the only one who reads these things. It isn't that I think they're real. It isn't that I have a fascination with the occult. It is just that my mind loathes the reality it lives in, the day-to-day constraints that dictate what is and isn't possible. Fantasy authors break the mold, presenting extraordinary circumstances that happen to seemingly ordinary, human people. I can live vicariously through these characters, can experience what they do, through the pages of a book.
...so tell me, how can the innocent joy of thrilling literary tales be so wrong?
Sunday, June 20, 2010
Thursday, April 1, 2010
I have begun to realize that I am most afraid of truly being myself.
Now, let me put a qualifier on that. I am myself wherever I go. If you talk to me, if you are around me at any time, I will treat you just the same as I would anywhere else. I will be up front with you, and not double cross you, or try to be two different people. However, my true, inner self stays always locked away. The part of me that wants to dance under the stars, sing off-key to the radio, and tell you that you really shouldn't wear red and green plaid, ever.
The flaw that keeps me caged is my desire to be a people-pleaser.
It's not that I quit being myself. It's that when someone doesn't like me, or I feel like I am a disappointment, or if I fail (or feel like i failed), I don't handle it well at all. I over analyze my life, scrutinizing myself for my imperfections. I used to be my worst critic, but I'm working on that.
Someone told me recently that because I remembered bad events from my past, that meant I hadn't gotten over them. I disagree. If I only remembered the bad, that would be one thing. But I remember loads of good things too. I think that it is good that I remember what happened. I have come to a place where I can acknowledge the hurts of the past without giving them hold over my future. I also think that my over-analyzing may be a blessing in disguise. Why? Because I have thought through what happened in the past and I have seen how I could avoid those situations in the future. And guess what? I have been in similar situations and they have turned out far better than the time before.
Take my 8th grade year. It was a time of great pain for me, simply because I hadn't learned to tolerate teasing. Sometimes, though, the friendly jabs weren't so friendly. As an insecure 12-year old dealing with the confusing feelings of becoming an "adult," I withdrew into myself. Now, looking back on it, I realize that I have learned to shrug off the negative things people say about me. I've learned to stick up for myself so that I don't get trampled on. And though it took a while for me to come out of my shell initially, I have learned that the world is a much more fun place to be in if I'm not trapped behind walls of shyness and insecurity.
Something I'm always going to have to try to remember is that I'm not a finished product. I'm a work-in-progress...and so is everyone else. Listen, people will fail you. They will disappoint you and hurt your feelings. You will be let down. Including me. I can't exempt myself from that. I can't be perfect...and I've realized I can't keep bashing myself for being flawed!
Monday, March 15, 2010
I read a post today from a friend, someone who implored their readers to stop hiding from others. At one point in my life I had managed to quit hiding. The happiest days of my life were during the second semester of my sophomore year. If my friends ever read this...well, they know who they are. But now, because of circumstances, and because of me, we have grown apart.
This always happens.
I recently read "The Five Love Languages: Singles Edition" by Gary Chapman. I discovered that my primary love language is words of affirmation...which I already knew. The confirmation devastated me, because I feel weak for depending on others to feel valued. I wage an internal war against myself, craving and needing confirming positive affirmations from my friends and family, and loathing myself for needing to be told over and over that I am needed, valued, and loved. In my relationships (which include friendships), failure is inevitable. At first, there is always loads of affirmation, as we are just starting to get to know each other. We share stories, secrets, and are constantly showing affection in the form of compliments and niceties. But then, just as everything seems perfect, the affirmation stops. I'm not sure why it does, as I keep giving it (I'm always trying to stay positive, or have something good to say about someone else. It's a throwback to my need for affirmation), but it stops on the part of the other person.
Then I start drawing away, because I feel like the relationship isn't what it used to be, or I'm unsure about what my place is, or what is wanted from me. Ultimately, I let my friends drift away from me because I manage to convince myself that I am no longer wanted.
And I don't know how to fix it.
I don't know what to do, or if I should do anything differently. I blame myself, wishing I could force myself to feel a different way. I would do anything to trade my neediness for words of affirmation for something like quality time. But...I can't. I'm stuck with it, and though my family tries to reassure me and tell me that it's okay, I don't feel like it is. I feel alone. I feel like I have destroyed all the relationships that I have had. I have alienated the people I love the most, simply because I am too afraid to try to relate to them!
I have developed the belief that people drift in and out of my life, and there's nothing I can do to change it. I am oh-so-jealous of those who have lifelong friends! That is something I just haven't been able to grasp. I am afraid to be myself, afraid to show my vulnerability...and I come across as cold and uncaring when I'm really not. I care about most everything, even when I try to pretend like I don't.
I'm continuing a friendship that cuts me to the bone because I know that my friend won't leave me. Though they hurt me with their cruel sarcasm and put-downs, I put up with it because they won't leave. I refuse to believe that I am unlovable, and I refuse to believe that I am unworthy of lifelong friendships.
I just wish I knew what to do to stop myself from screwing up my relationships. I wish I knew how to change.