The following is a short story I typed up. It's loosely based on my own experiences. Sorry for the short-ish ending. Enjoy!

Love from Above

Her name was Elizabeth.

She wandered the halls of Westmont University, feeling invisible among the throngs of people rushing by, their loud chatter ringing in her ears. She was new, a freshman, feeling lost and out of place, with nothing and no-one to turn to for the assurance that she desperately needed. Clutching her violin case to her slim frame, she pushed her silver-rimmed glasses up on her pixie-ish button nose and put on a brave face, willing herself to outlast the day. She made her way through the crowded hallway, the sea of unseeing faces allowing her to pass without a smile or a waved hello. She sat in her seat, one among hundreds, and stared silently at the professor during the lecture. He spoke about new beginnings, making a fresh start. “Yeah, right,” Elizabeth thought, fiddling with her frizzed curly brown hair, head tilted down to avoid making eye contact. “How can I make a new start, when I’m the same old reject from high school?” She sighed over her notes, her negativity permeating her thoughts into the same blue cloud she carried during her high school years. Shaking gently with the sobs she would never utter out loud, she rose from her seat as the lecture ended, making her way back to her pale white dorm room, walled in with cinder blocks like the county jail back home. Walking in to the stark blandness of an undecorated dorm room, she sat on her quilted bedspread, hands cradling her face as she tried to shake off the feeling of aloneness that dogged her every step.

The next day was no better than the first, nor the ones to follow. No friendly smiles, although perhaps that was because her eyes were glued to the tips of her sneakers. That was better, she told herself, than enduring their blank faces as they stared past her, looking for someone, anyone, other than her. Her classes were large, so large that making friends seemed unessential for the students, many not even speaking for the duration of the class, generic expressions plastered over their semi-bored faces. Elizabeth felt completely alone, completely invisible. Did no one care about her? Did no one see her? No one bothered to befriend her. Not even her roommate, who chatted with her boyfriend over the phone for hours before hitting the sheets, merely tossing a perfunctory “goodnight” Elizabeth’s way before turning out the lights. Over time, Elizabeth became increasingly run-down, the weight of her loneliness settling around her like a ball and chain. She became more and more reclusive, keeping to herself and the books she escaped into when the world seemed too much to bear. They, she told herself, were her only friends. They had served that purpose before, all throughout her high school years, and were a familiar balm to her aching heart.

One day, broken down in desperation, having nowhere else to turn, she went to one of the church services at a nearby church. The people there were as cold and unfriendly as those at school, allowing her to slip in and out of the back of the church without much notice from the congregation. The speaker was enthusiastic, but his words seemed directed towards everyone with their acts together. Elizabeth tuned out, feeling that he was speaking to everyone but her. Her life wasn’t perfect like theirs. She was falling apart, and she knew it. “And that’s the worst part. Knowing that I’m falling to pieces and there’s nothing I can do about it,” she thought, tilting her head down to hide the tears beginning to fall on her Bible. She had been to church all her life, even become a Christian at one point. But even God couldn’t fix her social inadequacy, so she thought. The crushing weight of her loneliness and awkwardness trapped her in a downwards spiral of bruised self-esteem that she couldn’t pull herself out of. But how could God, though supposedly all-powerful, care enough for her to rescue her from the abyss she had fallen into?

She lay awake in bed that night, wondering what she lacked. Why she went unnoticed still, when everyone around her was greeting with hugs and laughter.

“You’re not unnoticed to Me.”

She sat bolt upright. Where did that thought come from? She looked around for her roommate, poking her head up over the top bunk where her roommate slept, lightly snoring, clearly non-responsive for the time being. “If it wasn’t her….then, who?”

The next day she couldn’t get that feeling out of her head. The feeling that someone, somewhere, cared for her, even if it was just her imagination. But the weights settled around her heart again as the week went on, and the unseeing faces continued to look straight past her. That Sunday, she went back to the church, out of the same desperation, but also to prove that it wasn’t the church that had caused the momentary feeling of acceptance. This time, the speaker spoke about how God loved all people, calling them His “children,” and saying that He even knew the numbers of hairs on their heads, and that they had great value in His eyes. “Surely He doesn’t mean me, too,” she thought, brows furrowing in disbelief. “I’m a nobody.”

That night, Elizabeth opened her Bible for the first time on her own in years. She looked up verses about God’s love, feeling a warmth creep into her heart with each line. Curled up with her Bible, a desk lamp, and a pillow, she cried out to the Creator to give her hope again. To make her loneliness go away. To love her like He said he would. There was no voice from the skies, no miraculous sign. Nothing…but a gentle reassurance in her softly beating heart that He loved her already, and that she would never be alone. Her heart filled with peace, she turned off the lamp and slept with a smile on her face for the first time since coming to college.

The next day, she walked the halls with a timid smile on her face, her eyes shyly peeking up at the people walking past. A few of the unseeing faces actually looked her way, meeting her timid smile with a friendly one of their own. On her way back to the dorm, a fellow student bumped into her, dropping all her books. Instead of brusquely picking up her books and passing by Elizabeth, she giggled as she bent to get them, coming up with a bright smile.

“Sorry about that! So clumsy of me! So, are you new here too? What’s your name? My name is Sharon….”

Not the Same Old Song and Dance

So, my beautiful friends, it has been a while. My life has been a whirlwind of business, so I haven't been able to write in a while.

As always, I have plenty to say...but I don't have time to tell you all about my life. So I'll spare you the details, though feel free to ask if there's something you want to know.

This past summer, I worked at White Lake Water Park. I was at a loss to why I wasn't able to get a camp job, as a staffer, and I was frustrated and wondered why God put me there when I could be doing something elsewhere. I had horrible managers, who treated me poorly and forced me to work two or more people's jobs at once. They promised me 40 hours, then cut me to less than 20. At the end of the summer, after saving and penny-pinching, I barely had enough money to buy books. (being an English major is expensive) I went through the entire summer screaming at God, "WHY????"

Then I came back to school. I expected things to get better, and, in many aspects they have. I have awesome roommates for the first time in three years, who I can get along with and co-exist with peaceably (so far). I am surrounded by people who love God. The Christian atmosphere is amazing.

But...I have more problems than ever this semester. Financial crisis arose, and I'm having trouble getting this semester paid for. I'm living on ten dollars right now, and, although I did get a job, my first paycheck doesn't come until two weeks from now. I'm swamped in schoolwork, more so than ever before (yay upper level English classes!), and I have very little time to work on it (yay for a 17-hour schedule on top of an 18-hour courseload). Time management has never been my strong suit, so I've been really struggling to get everything done I need to get done.

On top of all this, I'm a prayer leader as well. I love my girls, and I feel like I'm failing them, because I haven't been able to spend time with them like I feel I should, and I don't have time to do many things for them. I'm rarely on the hall, and I'm seriously considering dropping my position next semester on the grounds that I don't have enough time to be the friend and counselor that they need.

Needless to say, life is kicking my butt. Seriously.

The good news is that I'm getting everything resolved. Slowly but surely, I'm getting used to not having time. I'm sleeping less, yes, but I'll get used to that as well. I'm struggling, but I refuse to drown. I won't let this beat me. I won't give up, I won't give in. The temptation is strong right now to neglect God, to neglect my quiet times, to neglect everything that I need to live a happy life. Or, joyful, if I can't be happy. Happiness depends on outward circumstances, which aren't always pleasant. But God's joy comes from within. I've decided that this semester will be a good one, regardless of how I feel, or how tired I am, or how downtrodden I might be.

Yes, every day is a struggle. Yes, every day I'm exhausted. YES, every day I want to quit.

But what I will reap at the end of the semester is worth it.

And I will be stronger for it! Life doesn't always hand you hard times, but when it does, you'd better know that the only way you'll be strong enough to handle them is if you're backed up by the One who exudes power! GOD CAN HANDLE IT! In my darkest hours, when I am backed up against the wall, when I can't do anything except cry, when I want to completely give up, God is the One who holds me close, who whispers softly that I can do this, because He is with me every step of the way. My favorite poem right now is the "Footsteps" poem. Cliche, yes, but I firmly believe that God is carrying me right now.

I can't survive this semester on my own. I've bitten off more than I can chew, and I will choke on it unless I learn to lean on God even more.

And, by the way, I found out why last summer happened. Last summer, I dealt with people I didn't particularly like, at a job with constant difficulties, and was forced to do multiple things at once in a short amount of time. All those problems have reoccurred on a grand scale this semester. God gave me some practice. And thank goodness He did. Because I couldn't deal with this semester if he didn't.

Now, maybe next summer I'll get a camp job, to get to do what I love doing, with no distractions. Maybe then I'll be able to minister to a bunch of high-schoolers (and possibly middle-schoolers) and love on them and teach them about what God says about life.

But for now, I'm learning the lessons God is giving me, about time management, planning for the future, and dealing with all personality types. And if I don't get the camp job? Then God has something better. Maybe I won't think it's better at the time, but in the grand scheme of things, GOD is the One who knows my future, and HE knows what's best for me, even when I don't!

Hey, guys!

So, I'm at my grandma's house! Which has wireless internet, so Laverne gets to come out of her laptop bag! Yaaaaay!

Yes, we have wireless internet in the boondocks. Sheesh. We're not cavemen, you know. Redneck, yes. Hicks, most definitely. Cavemen, no.

So, I went to post that old blog, and the font is doing really weird things. I dunno, I've tried to fix it, but no luck. It's just plain strange, methinks.

Anyway, (and yes, my thoughts are rather scrambled tonight) I've been really busy since I've been home. Things are finally starting to slow down, which is both a good thing and a bad thing. It's a good thing, because I'll be able to get to my summer homework (yay for PL homework!), but a bad thing, because as I've already said, I get restless when things get dull around here. Hopefully I'll get hired somewhere, so I'll have a job to work at to keep me busy this summer.

I was right, though. The summer is like a fresh breath of air, and has cooled off a few things quite successfully. I'm able to take back and look at things objectively, which is exactly what I needed to do.

Anywho, I just wanted to touch base with you guys and let you know that I'm doing alright.

Hopefully, I'll see you all soon! (I have plans to come visit most everyone this summer, I think. Haha!)

5-9-2009

So, because the internet isn’t hooked up right now, I’m typing this on my computer to transpose onto my blog later! I love you guys, see how committed I am to writing to you? Haha!

Anyway, I just wanted to document how I’m feeling right now, because it is such an amazing thing to be home. I’m hanging out on a couch I know well, that’s seen many years of wear and tear (aka abuse), and my mom always has awesome snacks and REAL FOOD (oh my word!) stocked up. I’m going to have a hard time keeping myself from gaining a ton of weight! There’s just too much to tempt me here.

Coming home was an interesting experience. I feel like I left things undone back at college. I turned in my key, and all my stuff is with me, but I feel like I left a certain friendship with a loose end. Technically speaking, there was nothing either of us could do about it, but…I still don’t like it. I’ll probably be feeling like this until I see that person again in a few weeks. Hopefully, things won’t be left like this next time. But I’m fairly positive about things. But, yeah, so I’ll be travelling again in a few weeks! I’m really excited about it, because I love going new places and meeting new people. The date has been tentatively set for May 22, and unless things happen that drastically change that, I’ll be gone for three or four days. Long enough to get a feel of the place, and maybe go to Busch gardens with my beautiful friend Katie H.

Which is another thing! For some unknown, slightly strange reason, I seem to form close friendships with people who share my name. I have two amazing friends (so far) who share my name, and we’re like sisters almost. One of which is Katie H. Katie H. is an amazingly random person, who I understand only because I am random myself. We can follow each other’s thought patterns, and I’m fairly certain that anyone who chose to listen in on our conversations would probably get lost at some point. I met Katie H. my first semester of Freshman year, back when she was Katie Speck! She may have gotten married, but she’ll always be my “Speck.” So many memories are there! Like the time the Speckmobile crashed. Poor thing got totaled. That was such an awesome little Cavalier. (I got to drive it once; it’s the same year and model as mine, just automatic instead of manual.)

We had some awesome adventures my freshman year. I did a lot of growing that year…I started off the year as a bit of a brat, to be honest. I didn’t really adjust well to living on my own, and I didn’t know how to take charge of my own life. I let myself be walked over and manipulated, because that was easier than making my own decisions. But I lived and learned, and although I don’t even begin to pretend that I’ve got everything figured out, I know that I’m a bit better off in that aspect now, at least.

Last year, I couldn’t wait to be on my way home. Packing my car was an aggravating experience, and I was exhausted at the end of it from climbing three flights of stairs on each trip. I’m notoriously independent when it comes to packing my car, and I usually insist on doing it myself because I take great pains trying to fit everything together so that it utilizes the least amount of space. The drive home was long, and when I got back for the summer I didn’t want to ever leave again.

This is a drastic change from this year! This year, I actually laughed and enjoyed packing my car, even though the same frustrations were present (who knew I had so much stuff?!), AND I destroyed Sylvie. Sylvie is my T.V. She is a Sylvania brand, and as such, I dubbed her “Sylvie” when I first got her. I put her on my bed for safekeeping while I was packing up the DVD player underneath her (because it had to go in first), but I had to move my bed to get the power cord unstuck (it was pinched between my dresser and my bedpost). When I moved my bed, the TV toppled right off! Her plastic casing is cracked and probably unfixable, but at least the glass didn’t break. Dad’s going to try to fix it. Emphasis on the word “try.” So I may be replacing Sylvie this summer. Poor Sylvie….

So, on the drive home I had a lot to think about. First off, I was worried about Ben, because I was supposed to meet him this morning and he never showed. Since he doesn’t have a working phone, I had no way of knowing what happened to him. Turns out, he and his cousin both overslept, and didn’t get to LU (we were planning on going to graduation together) until 9:45. Apparently, he thought I would have left by then. What he didn’t know is that I waited for him until 10:10. I’m probably not going to tell him that, because I don’t want to sound accusatory (and I don't want him to feel guilty). He’ll know if he reads this, though. I made it in time to see Ben Stein, though! I sat on the lawn, it was a beautiful day, I got soooo sunburned, and I got a job offer for next semester!

Yeah! This lady randomly came up and asked to see my program, and so I gave it to her and we started talking, and apparently she’s the head of a bunch of kids’ camps in Lynchburg over the summer, and although it’s too late to work them this year, she’s really interested in having me as a tutor for some kids for next semester. She was really quite insistent, and even promised me lodging for the summer if I decided to stay! The only thing is that the camps aren’t Christian camps. But that’s okay for next semester, because I’m not really particular about that for a semester job. Besides, I have my Prayer Leader post to keep me on the spiritual side of things. If I try to do too much teaching, I may get stretched too thin, because I’m not so experienced at teaching.

This job would be on top of an 18 credit-hour course load, two CSERs (Christian Service, 20 hours each in one semester), and juggling my blossoming social life to boot. Also, since one of my CSERs is my being a Prayer Leader, I’m going to be taking time out of my schedule to let them know that I love them and am here for them. Which is going to make my schedule really, REALLY tight. But, if I manage my time well, I think I can do it all.

The thing is, I’ve never really been all that good at time management. I guess I get to learn! I’ll take a few pointers from my old roommate, Miss Stacy Finnigan! She is awesome. For serious. If you get a chance to know her, DO IT. You won’t regret it.

Oh! I learned a new word today. I was reading a pilfered book from my brother’s room, and in it a character called a little boy “Doodlebug.” I like it! I think I’m going to name something “Doodlebug.” I just don’t know what yet.

So, this note has run really long. I guess I just have a lot on my mind right now. I haven’t even scratched the tip of the iceberg…but at least you guys know a little of what’s going on with me.

Till next time, guys…

Of the strange sickness of heart called Loneliness...

I'm here in my dorm room, watching Jane Eyre with Lauren. I'm struck by the notion that I have nothing to do...and I don't particularly like that. All day I've been getting some minute things accomplished, such as selling back my books and getting my CSER forms signed. But now I have nothing really to do. No schedule to keep, nothing to work on.

You'd think I'd be excited and happy about that. You'd think I'd be thrilled that I'm done with school and such.

But...everyone is gone from LU. All my friends, my roommates, most everyone that I care about has left, or will be leaving tomorrow. I can't stand being left here. I can't stand everyone leaving one by one. I'm still resolved to keep myself busy until graduation, and I think I can manage it. However, I am not happy here any longer, not with everyone else gone.

LU is but an empty shell without it's occupants. It must be hard for the Falwell's when we leave, as they stay here throughout the summer while the students leave for home. The students are the lifeblood of this place. We keep this place alive, and give it its character. Without us, this place has no heart, no liveliness.

So, being here without the heart of LU is a most distressing experience. I know, I know, I should be okay with this. I should just be tough. And I am trying to be. I am managing to retain my sanity, and keep my cool. But I am lonely. And I have never handled loneliness well.

Studies...

So, I should be studying right now for my 10:30 exam. But I just feel so overwhelmed with confusing, conflicting emotions that I can't focus.

See, I've pretty much figured out that the thing I wanted to happen is pretty much not going to happen for various reasons. One, I'm an idiot, and I don't think before I do stuff. Two, it's looking like things won't work out for next semester, and even if they do, I still won't be able to be around much. Three, I really don't have the time next semester anyway. Four, I'm still very confused, and I don't know where I stand. Five, I don't want to mess up the friendships I've got going.

So, even though I really want that certain thing to happen, I don't think it will. There's just so much in opposition of it, and all I can think of to do is just wait and watch for God to do something big....or say "no." I'm not being particularly optimistic about any of this, because God has recently been showing me amazing things, but not letting me go do them. After practically hitting me on the head with a calling, or opportunities for summer employment, God pulls back and tells me that I can't do whatever it was that I thought I was supposed to do.

Maybe it's me not listening close enough, I don't know. All I know is that I'm trying, and everything is crashing around my ears. The one thing that hasn't is prayer leader, and I am soooo unbelievably grateful and excited about next semester. I'm already writing down ideas for lessons, and I can't wait to meet my girls!

But, because God has been telling me to wait, and telling me no, I'm afraid that He'll do the same thing this time, with this specific instance that I won't tell you about. Annoying, isn't it? Me rambling on about something that I won't come right out and say. Well, those are the breaks.

Anyway, so, because I'm not sure what God wants, I'm refusing to get my hopes up. The way I figure it, if God really wants this to happen, then He'll have to do it, because I don't trust myself to do this right. Especially because I've been messing up so much lately.

I'm afraid to let you in,
for what you'll see and where I've been.
I've been broken, I've been bruised,
I've been torn down, I've been used.
You may not like what you see,
inside this little book of me.
And for that reason I will hide,
til I can let you come inside.

"Take away 18, go up a floor,
five from the left, same as before."

I was going to write a long note detailing my epiphany this afternoon. Instead, I will give you two tidbits until I have the time to write a proper note.

Firstly, I have come to the conclusion that writing poetry is addictive. I can't seem to stop. 'Course, I'm not complaining. I like poetry. :)

I'm finding that the poetry I write has deep connection to my life, what I'm feeling/thinking at the time. I sort of feel like I'm leaving clues to what's going on in my mind. At times, they are blatantly obvious. At others...you'd have to know me ridiculously well to know what I'm saying about myself. For instance, that verse up top? Seems rather insignificant, doesn't it? Think again. That little statement carries at least two other profound statements within it.

It is for that reason that I'm beginning to grow very fond of poetry. It's like a riddle, a way to try to really understand a person by finding what's written between the lines.

The other tidbit is a summary of my epiphany moment. Basically, I was brushing a new mare (she's in for training) when I suddenly realized the simplicity of moving the brush over her fur, over and over and over until most of her winter coat had fallen off. It wasn't a hard motion, nor was it complicated. It was routine and pleasurable for both her and I. (I like brushing horses.) I then thought about my life, and how complicated it seemed. I realized that my life really only needs to be a single brush stroke at a time...I can't groom a whole horse with a single stroke, that would be way too complicated. In the same way, I can't do everything in life that I need to do all at once. It's way too complicated.

Sound familiar?

It should. I've been saying that my life is too much for me to handle, and that I feel like I'm drowning in both the "what ifs" of life and my own responsibilities.

I realized in that moment in the barn, that I can't do everything at once. I'm firmly convinced that this revelation came from God. It was almost as if He was guiding my hand on the brush, saying "this is how you can do the rest of the semester." One stroke at a time.

Okay, so I wound up writing everything out anyway. I guess I got carried away, but I'm okay with that.

Til next time...

There's so much I want to say, but no words will come. How do you convey a lifetime of stories and experiences? No other way will anyone understand me.

It seems that words are so arbitrary, that we use them aimlessly and without purpose, so that, eventually, they have no purpose at all. We cannot allow our words to ring hollow...and it is for that reason that I am skittish about my own writing. My words are never, ever hollow, and though I may ramble, every word has a particular meaning to me.

This is more of a journal than a blog. I vent here, namely because I can't express a lot of this in vocal words. It's too...complicated.

One sentence.

Ask questions, and you will get answers...perhaps even answers to questions you didn't ask.

On the subject of happiness

What defines your happiness?

Are you happy because of circumstances? How about because of a certain person (or people)?

Well...I hate to break it to you, but if you place your happiness in circumstantial factors, you will be prone to the sway of emotional highs and lows forever. Life is a roller coaster of circumstances, and no matter what we do, we can't seem to keep things stable in our lives. The only thing certain in life is that everything will change.

So what do we do? How do we achieve this happiness that is so precious and rare? A type of happiness that transcends circumstance, that trumps even emotion itself?

That type of happiness is called joy. It isn't easily found, but it is highly prized and treasured. Joy cannot be found through earthly means. And I must admit...this is where I have failed.

I have failed, as I often do, at finding my happiness in Christ. It is only through Him that we can know joy, and it is only through His power that He gives it to us. I have placed the circumstances of my happiness on whether or not others are energetic and happy...instead of placing them on the very being of Christ.

In Christ, circumstances don't matter, for we know it will work out to a just and good end somehow.

In Christ, people can have bad days, and though we may feel concern, our own well-being doesn't suffer.

In Christ, people can worship in jail cells.

In Christ, people can live and die in hostile territory for the sake of spreading the Gospel.

In Christ is power.

And I know that. And I messed up again. So...as a refocuser, I am planning to spend some hardcore time with God tonight. He and I are gonna get reacquainted and catch up, and I'm going to take to heart the verses that my future SLD and a friend of mine have shared with me. They are stronger than I am right now...

Thoughts...

I know why relationships scare me.

I don't know how he feels, I don't know what he's thinking. I don't know if he still has feelings for her or not. (whoever "her" might be, I don't know) I don't know anything. And not knowing drives me crazy. In a poetic sense, the reason I have avoided relationships like the plague is simply because of the unknowns.

I've had my share of offers over the past few months. (okay, it was only two. But it's more than I usually get!) Ironically, I rejected them all. Why is this ironic? Well, most of my life I have wanted to be pursued, and wondered why I was not. And now that there's finally interest...I have no interest to return. I mean, sure, I have liked some of them. There wasn't anything wrong with them.

But I just can't get over my own fears. I am afraid that I will get into a relationship for the wrong reason. One of my friends told me that the reason anyone gets into a relationship is because they like the other person, but is that really all that is required? I think not. I like plenty of people that I will never ever date.

So, why am I talking about this? Well, it's on my mind. And because I'm crushing pretty hard on someone that I don't think I have a chance with. In some moments I feel like we pretty much understand each other, but in others...he just feels so far away. On a different plane. One that I just can barely grasp, but won't ever fully reach. How is it possible to feel so close, yet so far away?

I do enjoy his company. I do think we'll be good friends. But...I don't know if we'll ever really understand each other, because I don't even begin to pretend that I'm without my complexities, and I am already painfully aware that I may not be able to grasp his. Everyone keeps saying not to get my hopes up, but there may be a chance. I'm trying to keep positive, but it isn't easy.

And so, I think I will choose to let go. I won't force this, and I won't cling to something that never existed. If it happens, then so be it, but it will happen or not happen on its own. I don't want anyone to talk to him for me, I don't want anyone to say anything at all. If he knows, then good. If he doesn't, then he'll have to figure it out on his own. If nothing comes of this, then so be it.

I'm tough...a lot tougher than I want to be in this regard. I'm not a fragile butterfly, I've been hurt before, I've had to grow a thick skin. So...I'm not worried about myself. I can take whatever life dishes out, and if I have to be alone, well....it's a good thing I'm used to it, right? I can handle it.

Haha, I don't even know why I was worried now. See how I talk myself down? This right here is why I blog. To keep my sanity. :-)

How I am always out of the loop.

So, tonight, my wonderful PL texts me with a highly suspicious gleeful laugh-like "teehee," then promptly tells me that she can't tell me why she's laughing. I, of course, go to investigate. Now, apparently what's going to happen is not an event, but it involves me and several other people. I am not to know until it is "my turn" to know, and I am now so thouroughly confused that I have no idea what's going on.

I have my hunches, I always do.

I just honestly have no idea what's happening, and I rather dislike it. I hate not knowing what's going on if I know that SOMETHING is going on. If I knew nothing at all, that would be better than knowing the little that I do know.

I am comforted by the fact that whatever this is is apparently hilarious, and I will be very glad of it at some point. Small comfort that it is.

Anyway, my main problem is that I'm out of the loop ONCE AGAIN. Why don't people let me in on stuff? It's not like I can't keep a secret, heck, I'm a box full of secrets. It's not like I don't have good ideas for stuff. So...why don't I ever know anything?

Oh, well. At least I always find out in the end...even if I'm the last person who knows.

Thoughts in the Tilley

So, I'm sitting here in the Tilley Center. And they just turned the lights out on us, which means that I've got 15 minutes to tell you what I was going to say.

Anyway, I've decided that if you want to cuddle with your bf or gf, the best place to go is the Tilley center after curfew. All the RAs are doing curfew checks, so that means that there is no one to reprimand you for hugging for more than 3 seconds. All over this place, couples have arms draped over each other, laying on each other's shoulders, and while it is very touching and sweet, I have to say that I am not amused.

I'm in the Tilley with awesome people. Molly and Ben (both of which seem to have parts of my soul, as they are so very similar to me), and Treva and her bf Ryan, whom I just met a few hours ago. They're all cuddled up on each other, and I don't really know how I feel about that. On one hand, it is really sweet, and I'm happy for her. On the other, I'm also insanely jealous because I don't have a man of my own.

At any rate, I love that I actually have a social life now. I have amazing friends who actually do stuff off campus (and invite me to tag along). Life is pretty grand right now.

Anyway, I'd better skidaddle. The lady just came around to give me my late-night pass to get back in my dorm...and I should probably head out pretty soon.

Love you guys!

And hey, another non-depressing post! I'm doing fairly well for myself. Mwaha.

A "say what?!" moment.

Have you ever known someone, but not really?

Well, a few months back, I met this guy who seemed pretty cool. Until he practically ignored me after I met him. Now, I don't really appreciate that, and I don't know why he did it, but he hasn't acknowledged my existence in about five months. I tried saying "hi" to him at first, but when it became clear that wasn't working, I ceased trying and started pretending that he was just some other guy at the college.

Today, I was hanging out with my roommate, Stacy (who is awesome), at lunch. We went up to put our dishes away, and that guy was walking up with a group of his friends to put his stuff away as well. I think that I'll be ignored again, so I immediately start making a show of looking at the light fixtures. To my surprise, not only has he known who I am THIS WHOLE TIME, but he knows my name, and he asked how I was doing. Said he hadn't seen me in forever.

Riiiiiiiight.

I've come to two conclusions. Either he's blind as a bat, or he's trying to smooth things over by trying to pretend like all those instances never happened.

Naturally, I was shocked by his (possibly feigned) interest. I stuttered out some feeble reply, and then my roommate and I went on our way.

I should probably mention that he knows my roommate (fairly well, I think), and spoke to her first. Perhaps he only mentioned me as an afterthought so he wouldn't seem rude.

You're probably wondering what this has to do with anything. Well, it really has nothing to do with anything. I just thought it was a rather interesting experience. I also was kind of crushing on him when I first met him, so it's rather important to me. I'm not interested now, but (and you gals know it's true) because I liked him at one time, I remember his face, name, interests, and even some of his corny jokes.

Anyway, I just felt like writing that down. Hey, at least I'm not being all depressing this time!

Until next time, guys!

General reflections. Hey, I can't help it that I write when I'm contemplative.

So, today I pretty much realize that I'm always a little bit different from everyone else. It doesn't matter who they are, or how much we have in common. I always feel just a little isolated from the group.

I suppose it's because I really don't fit any stereotypical molds. I'm not like anyone else you'll ever meet. I know that there are other people who are different in their own right, but so far I haven't met anyone who really gets me.

I thought that Liberty would be different. I thought that somehow, just by being here, I would be understood by the majority of the populace. Naive thinking.

Especially since I'm not quite as firm in my faith right now as I ought to be.

I've come to a place where I feel like I've missed out on something crucial in my walk with Christ. People who convert at later ages have miles and miles of history they can look back at and say "hey, Jesus saved me from that." They know exactly what made them believe, and they can probably articulate why they believed.

But I can't. I was saved when I was 12. Do I remember much about my life back then? Nope. I don't think my life was very much different after I was saved than other unsaved kids my age. All my life, I've been living a forced Christianity. I chose to do what the Bible said was right. I didn't do it because I was compelled by love. It was expected, something I felt required to do.

And now I don't know. I don't know anything, really. I thought I was doing what I was supposed to. I thought I was growing in Christ. I thought a lot of things. Were any of them real? To be honest, I've never really doubted before. I've taken a lot of things on faith that I probably should have taken on reason. I'm wondering now if anyone really has reasoned out Christianity.

All my profs say that Christianity is reasonable and logical. But have any of them really come up with sound, logical reasons for believing? I think my Philosophy prof tries to explain it, but he just can't connect with us students. I don't understand his logic, and I don't see his reasoning. I try to reason it out myself, and I come up with circular arguments and fallacies. I expect this is because I'm not as learned as my professor is, but what if it's not?

What if Christianity isn't logical?

I'm hoping, praying, wishing with every fiber of my being that someone has figured this out. I don't want to lose my faith over this, and I don't think I will. I do, however, think that it will be severely weakened. I don't want to be a zombie-Christian. I don't want to be someone who believes what they're told and doesn't do some digging on their own for the truth. To do that, I have to doubt. I have to find out my own answers.

And I'm terrified that my answers will lead me to the conclusion that this Christianity thing is a waste of time. I'm afraid.

A month ago, I was firmly and fiercely committed to Christ. I was sure that nothing could shake my faith. Now, life has intervened, and I'm faced with unanswered questions and nagging doubts. Perhaps it is Satan, or one of his minions, trying to coerce me to give up the faith. But even if it is, aren't these doubts worth taking a look at? Shouldn't I try to find answers for my questions? Is it wrong to want to understand if what I'm doing is worthwhile?

Is it bad I keep waiting for a phone call that's never going to come?

I keep hoping, even though I know that there's no point. I keep dreaming, even though there's no reason to...

Maybe it's because I just can't accept what is. Maybe it's because with every fiber of my being I wish I could change the outcome somehow. I do blame myself. I know that it's not my fault, but I can't help it. It's how I do things.

So, even though I know that I tried my hardest and what is just has to be, I still wait for the phone call that won't happen. I know that my hopes won't die completely until the summer begins. Being a dreamer is hard. When things fall through, there is always the little tiny glimmer of hope that won't die. The little nudge that makes you think that maybe, just maybe, there was a mistake, and whatever you'd been hoping for will happen.

Life doesn't work that way.

In this crazy, beautiful, awful thing called life, when someone says "no" it usually means "no." There aren't any second chances, no "do-overs," nothing. You succeed or fail based on one attempt. Most people don't really like that, but come to accept it at some point.

I don't ever really accept it. For example, when I was in high school, I busted my butt trying to get into Governor's School. I didn't get in, even though I felt like I deserved to. Even though I realize that Governor's School probably would have been bad for me, and I really didn't need it to get into college Aanyway, I still kick myself about failing to get in. I wrote killer essays, but...I look over them now and only see what was wrong. It kills me that I didn't get in.

And it's the same way with everything else in life. Of course, I bottle all this up. I would never want to hurt anyone else with my own personal bitterness. I really am happy for others when they succeed, I just...I wish I could have succeeded with them. I feel left out, like I'm missing something (which I am, I'm missing out on experiences and such). But I keep these feelings to myself (usually) because I know that it will hurt those that did succeed if I let them know how badly I'm hurting.

What's even more pathetic is that even though I have a lot of good things going for me, I just can't seem to focus on the positive. I see the sunny side of life in everyone and everything but myself. I'm always so hard on myself, and even though I could count all the times I've succeeded at things and find that the number is probably greater than the things I've failed at, I always count up the failures and let that drag me down.

Now, I know that no one is perfect.

But somehow I always think that I should be. That I'm not allowed to make mistakes. That I have to do better, be better, try harder. Because if I should fail (or lose, this is why I'm such a sore loser), I feel like I'm worthless. Like all the work I put into whatever it was is wasted. But when I'm winning, I shrug it off as nothing and go on trying for something bigger.

There has got to be some kind of psychological diagnosis for that.

Of course, I'm not the type to go to a shrink. I'm the kind of person who thinks I can fix everything on my own. Why? Because asking for help is admitting weakness, admitting failure. Which, as per the previous paragraphs is kind of a big thing for me.

Anyway, I didn't mean to rant about this for so long. I guess I'm just feeling a bit down today, and frustrated because I can't make anything work out the way I want it to. A lot of decisions regarding my personal future are still in the works...and I hate not knowing what I'm going to be doing next.

On another note, I'm kind of questioning God right now. I'm a big "why" person, and anyone who knows me knows that I'm always trying to get to the bottom of things. So...I'm at a loss as to why certain things are happening in my life, and I'm trying to petition God for the answers. And for those of you who shrink back at that statement, here's a thought for you.

Do you think that God isn't big enough to handle our questions? He already knows how we're feeling anyway, might as well tell him. Do you think He's too weak to handle it? I don't think so. I believe that God is Omnipotent, Omniscient, and Omnipresent. And if He's all of those things, then I think He can deal with a few questions. After all, doubting is not a sin. Questioning things isn't a sin. If we don't question, how will we be certain in our faith? How will we know that we believe what we claim to believe? I think that doubting is part of the refining of our faith.

So, it is perfectly okay that I've got a few questions for God!

To end on a happier note, because I hate ending on a harsh one, the weather outside is glorious today. It's sunny and warm and slightly windy...just the way I like it. I just wish I hadn't been rained on this morning. Can you say cold and wet? Haha! Well, until next time, guys...

Just me...being depressing...

Right now, my life is taking yet another disappointing turn.

It seems like every time I have something good going, something happens and it falls through. I feel so discouraged right now, I don't even know what to think. Or even how to think, really.

So, to bring you guys up to speed, for a few months now I've been gearing up preparing for a summer job position at Look Up Lodge. Well...today I found out that isn't going to happen. I don't harbor any resentment, or any harsh feelings. I'm not mad or angry at anyone, not even myself.

I'm disappointed. Let down, I guess. By what, I don't know. I can't blame myself, as I did the very best I could...and really, it wasn't my fault that I didn't get it. Apparently a former staffer decided to return, so... they took the position. Which is fine. I'm cool with that, and I understand exactly why the returner would get the job over me. Because of that, I'm not disappointed in myself, or in the camp. They did what they thought was best, and I abide by their judgment.

So, what am I disappointed in?

To be honest, I'm not really sure. I've been thinking about this a lot recently, and I've decided that if I'm not disappointed in myself, and I'm not disappointed in the camp, then I'm probably disappointed in God.

Which got me thinking...how many people out there are disappointed in God? When something doesn't work out like WE think it should, or when something doesn't go OUR way, how many times do we get disappointed and angry at the God of the UNIVERSE, the One who knows absolutely EVERYTHING?

Do we have a right to be angry or disappointed with God?

I hear all the time at school that God wants to give us His best for us. Now, His best may not be what WE think is best. It may not even be what we want! And it may very well be filled with persecution, pain, and heartache.

Yikes.

I am beginning to see why so many people turn from God in situations where they are disappointed and/or angry. You get to this point where all you can see is the negative, and you start to doubt whether or not you're going to be happy in God's will.

I told you I was going to be frank with you.

Truth is, I really don't know if I want to follow God right now. I didn't want my summer to just be another boring summer, working for a caterer and lounging around at home. But now I don't see any other choice. Everyone keeps saying that "God has something for you this summer, He just hasn't shown it to you," but if God's will for me is to work at something insignificant and meaningless this summer, then I don't know if I want any part of it.

My faith has boiled down to a conscious decision to follow Christ. I have chosen to do so, and so I will. It is no longer motivated by warm fuzzy feelings. If anything, I'm rather unhappy with the way things worked out.

Do you realize that for the next two months, I will be faced with the stark reality that I'm not going to be doing what my heart longed to do? That I will be faced with constant reminders that I'm not where I wanted to be?

It's going to hurt.

Even if I manage to shrug it off, even if I manage to pretend that I'm okay, I know I'll be shattering inside.

I blame myself.

I get the feeling that this is some sort of spiritual test, and I get the feeling that I'm going to fail.

I can't hold myself together.

But I don't want to go to the One who can. Because I'm afraid that He'll break me even more. And though I know that He'll mold me into something beautiful...I'm afraid of the pain. I want to trust Him, but I don't. I want to lean on Him, but I'm not. I want to cling to His promises, but...I don't feel like they apply to me anymore.

I don't want to think about how He's going to "do something wonderful" through this. I don't want to hear how God has a plan for my life. I want to wallow in my misery, because that's human nature.

Yet, I also want encouragement. I want someone to sit me down with a Bible and pour out God's love on me. I want to be loved, and I know what's right, but I'm just not feeling it right now!

MmmHmm, life is grand.

Color me a dreamer, and a hopeless romantic if you will.

But today was the best day I've had in a long while. Why is this? Well...today I got a whole heaping truckload of male attention and affirmation. And while I try to tell myself that I really don't care what the guys think, that is a load of nonsense. Of course I care! One day I'll go on my femininity rant and tell you guys exactly why most (if not all) girls care what guys think.

But that is a story for another time. Right now, I want to tell you about my day! :)

So, it started out as a normal day, and proceeded to be dull, drone, and relatively boring until my Creation Studies class. I pulled out my phone to check the time, and lo and behold, I had two texts from some guy I didn't know who claimed to be a friend of my cousin. Well...I text her, and I demand an explanation. Apparently, this guy is a good guy, who she thinks I'll get along with.

In girl talk, that means that my cuz is trying to set me up with this guy.

No other way to translate that. It is what it is, yo. Anyway, I'm not too keen on this idea, because I don't really trust my cousin's taste in guys. Add to that the fact that one of my pet peeves is being set up with people I don't pick out myself. But...I'm feeling adventurous, so I decide to give the guy a chance, make it clear that I don't want a relationship at this point, yadda yadda yadda. All of which I did. But here's the thing. For the first time since...I dunno, maybe five or six months ago, a guy told me goodnight. Geez, I'm so lame. See, for some odd reason, that makes me go all mushy inside.

Now don't get me wrong. I'm still a solid fortress, impervious to the charms and wiles of boys. I know better, mkay? I looked at this objectively, and this guy is most likely not right for me. He's no Prince Charming...and I'm really not all that interested. I'm trying not to string him along, and I'm hoping that he, like myself, really just wants a friend.

Anyway, it just makes me feel special that he said goodnight to me. Doesn't change the facts.

But that's not all that happened today. An old friend took the time to chat with me, reconnect, and brighten my day significantly. To him I owe more than he knows, and my confidence was surely boosted by his zany antics. It made me really miss all my guy friends...and made me determine to accost them the next time I get a chance, so I can see what they've been up to. I think that maybe people hold a more favorable opinion of me than I realize, and that my being shy and sensitive and hesitant to reach out to people may in fact be one of the more ridiculous aspects of my personality. Meh, but we'll have to see what comes of this.

Basically, I'm just ridiculously happy because I feel like I'm wanted. Which, according to the Elridge's (I'm reading Captivating right now), is one of the basic needs of women. In that aspect, I feel so content right now. I feel pursued, beautiful, alluring...all the wonderful things that women are supposed to feel. And it's all because two people took time out of their day to make an impact on mine.

SO. That being said, think about the impact we have in the lives of others. How many lives are you affecting? We brush against people all the time, especially if you're like me and living on a campus somewhere. Wouldn't it be amazing if we could give people what they most desperately need? Then they would feel fulfilled and satisfied, and would in turn go out and positively affect others. Believe me, this is a feeling that I feel like I have to share.

(This last paragraph was written with the assumption that one cannot be truly fulfilled unless one knows Jesus Christ as Lord and Savior.)

Anyway...it's late, and I should really head off to bed. I just wanted to document this amazing, awesome emotion...for further reference, I suppose. I know I'll have a down day where I may need some encouragement, and need to remember what this feels like.

Till my next blog...

Sayonara, lovelies!!

Katie

Blogs! Not just for school anymore.

So, in case you haven't noticed, those last few blog entries were for my COMS 220 class...which I miss so much. I had a ball in that class. Anyway, the point is, I'm going to be using this blog for its intended use: chatting about my "feelings" and whatnot. Which I know you're SO thrilled about, but hey, if you don't like it, get out of my blog. That's why it's here and not Facebook or Myspace. This right here is MY place, to put whatever the heck I want. And no one will be getting little notes on Facebook saying "Hey! Katie made another Notes post!" If you're reading this, then it's because you're genuinely interested, and you want to know more about me, not because you got some silly little indication on a social networking site.

Because of this, I will be much more frank about what's going on inside my head. And you're just going to have to deal with that. If you can't handle the unfiltered, unadulterated Katie, then...like I said, get out of my blog. I won't be mad with you if you never read this. Likewise, don't get mad if you see something here that "offends" you. I don't mean anything on here in a hurtful way, but...I'm not going out of my way to be politically correct or make everyone happy or any of that nonsense. This blog is for EMOTIONAL VENTING. Yes, I said it. I'm going to be venting on this blog. If you can't handle it...well, you get my drift. Sometimes I'll be full to bursting with happy/bubbly thoughts, and sometimes I won't. Sometimes, like right now (in case you haven't noticed) I'm going to be frustrated, agitated, irritated, angry, and ready to start flinging sharp objects at certain people who work my nerves! It's me, 100%. All sides, all factions, every last part of me. I'm not hiding anything on here.

Writing is theraputic for me. I calm down after getting my thoughts out, pouring out my emotions. I used to joke that people got to know me through my various emotional outbursts. Now that I'm old and cynical enough to realize that no one really appreciates my emotional explosions, I'm going to contain them to this blog. (and yes, I do sometimes think that people don't appreciate any aspect of me and just want me to go crawl into a hole somewhere. But that's a whole 'nother blog in itself.)

Anyway, if you know me, you know I'm always writing something. It varies what I write, but...all the time, I'm doing something with words. I've written poetry (which I may be posting here, actually), short stories, journal entries (which will probably remain private), devotionals, prayers, RP entries, etc. Hopefully I'll be writing more, as the more I write, the saner I become.

Well, now that I've gotten all that out...I can get on to the fun stuff! Actually talking about what's going on in my life. Now, if you've read to this point, you either love me (yay!) or you have waaaay too much time on your hands. Hmm, lesse. What can I tell you about what's happening? Oh! I know. So, I get to go home next weekend! I am SO excited about being able to see everyone again...being up here at college alone and fundless is starting to get stressful. I keep hoping that one of my applications will turn up a job interview...but so far no luck. I'm going tomorrow to put in more apps. Anyway, I'm so glad to be able to go see my family. I really miss them, and I know that they miss me!

Even further in the future....only 2 weeks from now...I will be going to Israel over spring break. I'm excited, afraid, nervous, and jittery! I've never flown internationally before, so I really don't know what to expect. (Coincidentally, Israel is the reason I'm flat broke this semester.) I'm gonna have a lot of fun, and I'm really excited about it. I'm taking loads of pictures, so don't worry! You'll get to see what happens to me in Israel. There is a bit of risk with traveling to Israel (or anywhere really), so prayers of safety are greatly appreciated. I'm not really worried about the safety aspect of the trip, because I am 100% sure that God wants me to go on this trip, and He'll keep me safe (if it's His will). Since this is God's plan and not mine, I know that whatever happens will be for His glory...and if that's so, then I really don't have anything to worry about. Besides, God says not to worry. :)

What else can I tell you... Well, I'm no longer a Journalism major. I switched over to English...and I'm slightly nervous about the switch. A lot of people write off English as a major that isn't good for much. And no, it's not a specialized major. But it is very flexible, and can be used for a great many different career paths. I'm going to be a Journalism minor, so it'll be slightly more concentrated. I realized last semester that I love my English classes, and I love the literature (although Faerie Queen made my mind ache, I do -not- love old english) more than I love Journalism...which entails a bunch of rules and procedures and little creativitiy in regards to writing style. I am not passionate about events that occur, or breaking news, or anything of that nature, so Journalism was beginning to look like a poor fit. However, you give me a book of good fiction...I'll be reading until I fall asleep on it's pages. If I could spend my whole life reading literature, I would. So, I switched my major to English. Only time will tell if I made the best decision.

Also new in my life is the fact that I'm trying out for the leadership position of Prayer Leader. I'm nervous and apprehensive because I have no clue how I'm going to lead a group of talented and beautiful women in Bible Study. No one back home seems too surprised. I love that I have such an awesome support group in my family. However...I think I rather surprised people here. Which just goes to show that they don't know me nearly as well as they think they do. I'm a very deep, complex person, so...I guess maybe I should work harder at showing the other sides of my personality. Right now, I kind of show the stressed out side of my personality mostly.

Well...I think that's everything for now. Uh...and this is a ridiculously long entry, so thanks for reading this far! Peace out.