Monday, March 15, 2010

To No-one, because no-one reads this.

I have come to the conclusion that no one reads this. That no one will ever see these words, or if they do, it will be completely by accident. So...I can write my heart here, because no one will ever find it.

I read a post today from a friend, someone who implored their readers to stop hiding from others. At one point in my life I had managed to quit hiding. The happiest days of my life were during the second semester of my sophomore year. If my friends ever read this...well, they know who they are. But now, because of circumstances, and because of me, we have grown apart.

This always happens.

I recently read "The Five Love Languages: Singles Edition" by Gary Chapman. I discovered that my primary love language is words of affirmation...which I already knew. The confirmation devastated me, because I feel weak for depending on others to feel valued. I wage an internal war against myself, craving and needing confirming positive affirmations from my friends and family, and loathing myself for needing to be told over and over that I am needed, valued, and loved. In my relationships (which include friendships), failure is inevitable. At first, there is always loads of affirmation, as we are just starting to get to know each other. We share stories, secrets, and are constantly showing affection in the form of compliments and niceties. But then, just as everything seems perfect, the affirmation stops. I'm not sure why it does, as I keep giving it (I'm always trying to stay positive, or have something good to say about someone else. It's a throwback to my need for affirmation), but it stops on the part of the other person.

Then I start drawing away, because I feel like the relationship isn't what it used to be, or I'm unsure about what my place is, or what is wanted from me. Ultimately, I let my friends drift away from me because I manage to convince myself that I am no longer wanted.

And I don't know how to fix it.

I don't know what to do, or if I should do anything differently. I blame myself, wishing I could force myself to feel a different way. I would do anything to trade my neediness for words of affirmation for something like quality time. But...I can't. I'm stuck with it, and though my family tries to reassure me and tell me that it's okay, I don't feel like it is. I feel alone. I feel like I have destroyed all the relationships that I have had. I have alienated the people I love the most, simply because I am too afraid to try to relate to them!

I have developed the belief that people drift in and out of my life, and there's nothing I can do to change it. I am oh-so-jealous of those who have lifelong friends! That is something I just haven't been able to grasp. I am afraid to be myself, afraid to show my vulnerability...and I come across as cold and uncaring when I'm really not. I care about most everything, even when I try to pretend like I don't.

I'm continuing a friendship that cuts me to the bone because I know that my friend won't leave me. Though they hurt me with their cruel sarcasm and put-downs, I put up with it because
they won't leave. I refuse to believe that I am unlovable, and I refuse to believe that I am unworthy of lifelong friendships.

I just wish I knew what to do to stop myself from screwing up my relationships. I wish I knew how to change.