Sunday, October 4, 2009

Not the Same Old Song and Dance

So, my beautiful friends, it has been a while. My life has been a whirlwind of business, so I haven't been able to write in a while.

As always, I have plenty to say...but I don't have time to tell you all about my life. So I'll spare you the details, though feel free to ask if there's something you want to know.

This past summer, I worked at White Lake Water Park. I was at a loss to why I wasn't able to get a camp job, as a staffer, and I was frustrated and wondered why God put me there when I could be doing something elsewhere. I had horrible managers, who treated me poorly and forced me to work two or more people's jobs at once. They promised me 40 hours, then cut me to less than 20. At the end of the summer, after saving and penny-pinching, I barely had enough money to buy books. (being an English major is expensive) I went through the entire summer screaming at God, "WHY????"

Then I came back to school. I expected things to get better, and, in many aspects they have. I have awesome roommates for the first time in three years, who I can get along with and co-exist with peaceably (so far). I am surrounded by people who love God. The Christian atmosphere is amazing.

But...I have more problems than ever this semester. Financial crisis arose, and I'm having trouble getting this semester paid for. I'm living on ten dollars right now, and, although I did get a job, my first paycheck doesn't come until two weeks from now. I'm swamped in schoolwork, more so than ever before (yay upper level English classes!), and I have very little time to work on it (yay for a 17-hour schedule on top of an 18-hour courseload). Time management has never been my strong suit, so I've been really struggling to get everything done I need to get done.

On top of all this, I'm a prayer leader as well. I love my girls, and I feel like I'm failing them, because I haven't been able to spend time with them like I feel I should, and I don't have time to do many things for them. I'm rarely on the hall, and I'm seriously considering dropping my position next semester on the grounds that I don't have enough time to be the friend and counselor that they need.

Needless to say, life is kicking my butt. Seriously.

The good news is that I'm getting everything resolved. Slowly but surely, I'm getting used to not having time. I'm sleeping less, yes, but I'll get used to that as well. I'm struggling, but I refuse to drown. I won't let this beat me. I won't give up, I won't give in. The temptation is strong right now to neglect God, to neglect my quiet times, to neglect everything that I need to live a happy life. Or, joyful, if I can't be happy. Happiness depends on outward circumstances, which aren't always pleasant. But God's joy comes from within. I've decided that this semester will be a good one, regardless of how I feel, or how tired I am, or how downtrodden I might be.

Yes, every day is a struggle. Yes, every day I'm exhausted. YES, every day I want to quit.

But what I will reap at the end of the semester is worth it.

And I will be stronger for it! Life doesn't always hand you hard times, but when it does, you'd better know that the only way you'll be strong enough to handle them is if you're backed up by the One who exudes power! GOD CAN HANDLE IT! In my darkest hours, when I am backed up against the wall, when I can't do anything except cry, when I want to completely give up, God is the One who holds me close, who whispers softly that I can do this, because He is with me every step of the way. My favorite poem right now is the "Footsteps" poem. Cliche, yes, but I firmly believe that God is carrying me right now.

I can't survive this semester on my own. I've bitten off more than I can chew, and I will choke on it unless I learn to lean on God even more.

And, by the way, I found out why last summer happened. Last summer, I dealt with people I didn't particularly like, at a job with constant difficulties, and was forced to do multiple things at once in a short amount of time. All those problems have reoccurred on a grand scale this semester. God gave me some practice. And thank goodness He did. Because I couldn't deal with this semester if he didn't.

Now, maybe next summer I'll get a camp job, to get to do what I love doing, with no distractions. Maybe then I'll be able to minister to a bunch of high-schoolers (and possibly middle-schoolers) and love on them and teach them about what God says about life.

But for now, I'm learning the lessons God is giving me, about time management, planning for the future, and dealing with all personality types. And if I don't get the camp job? Then God has something better. Maybe I won't think it's better at the time, but in the grand scheme of things, GOD is the One who knows my future, and HE knows what's best for me, even when I don't!

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