Hey, guys!

So, I'm at my grandma's house! Which has wireless internet, so Laverne gets to come out of her laptop bag! Yaaaaay!

Yes, we have wireless internet in the boondocks. Sheesh. We're not cavemen, you know. Redneck, yes. Hicks, most definitely. Cavemen, no.

So, I went to post that old blog, and the font is doing really weird things. I dunno, I've tried to fix it, but no luck. It's just plain strange, methinks.

Anyway, (and yes, my thoughts are rather scrambled tonight) I've been really busy since I've been home. Things are finally starting to slow down, which is both a good thing and a bad thing. It's a good thing, because I'll be able to get to my summer homework (yay for PL homework!), but a bad thing, because as I've already said, I get restless when things get dull around here. Hopefully I'll get hired somewhere, so I'll have a job to work at to keep me busy this summer.

I was right, though. The summer is like a fresh breath of air, and has cooled off a few things quite successfully. I'm able to take back and look at things objectively, which is exactly what I needed to do.

Anywho, I just wanted to touch base with you guys and let you know that I'm doing alright.

Hopefully, I'll see you all soon! (I have plans to come visit most everyone this summer, I think. Haha!)

5-9-2009

So, because the internet isn’t hooked up right now, I’m typing this on my computer to transpose onto my blog later! I love you guys, see how committed I am to writing to you? Haha!

Anyway, I just wanted to document how I’m feeling right now, because it is such an amazing thing to be home. I’m hanging out on a couch I know well, that’s seen many years of wear and tear (aka abuse), and my mom always has awesome snacks and REAL FOOD (oh my word!) stocked up. I’m going to have a hard time keeping myself from gaining a ton of weight! There’s just too much to tempt me here.

Coming home was an interesting experience. I feel like I left things undone back at college. I turned in my key, and all my stuff is with me, but I feel like I left a certain friendship with a loose end. Technically speaking, there was nothing either of us could do about it, but…I still don’t like it. I’ll probably be feeling like this until I see that person again in a few weeks. Hopefully, things won’t be left like this next time. But I’m fairly positive about things. But, yeah, so I’ll be travelling again in a few weeks! I’m really excited about it, because I love going new places and meeting new people. The date has been tentatively set for May 22, and unless things happen that drastically change that, I’ll be gone for three or four days. Long enough to get a feel of the place, and maybe go to Busch gardens with my beautiful friend Katie H.

Which is another thing! For some unknown, slightly strange reason, I seem to form close friendships with people who share my name. I have two amazing friends (so far) who share my name, and we’re like sisters almost. One of which is Katie H. Katie H. is an amazingly random person, who I understand only because I am random myself. We can follow each other’s thought patterns, and I’m fairly certain that anyone who chose to listen in on our conversations would probably get lost at some point. I met Katie H. my first semester of Freshman year, back when she was Katie Speck! She may have gotten married, but she’ll always be my “Speck.” So many memories are there! Like the time the Speckmobile crashed. Poor thing got totaled. That was such an awesome little Cavalier. (I got to drive it once; it’s the same year and model as mine, just automatic instead of manual.)

We had some awesome adventures my freshman year. I did a lot of growing that year…I started off the year as a bit of a brat, to be honest. I didn’t really adjust well to living on my own, and I didn’t know how to take charge of my own life. I let myself be walked over and manipulated, because that was easier than making my own decisions. But I lived and learned, and although I don’t even begin to pretend that I’ve got everything figured out, I know that I’m a bit better off in that aspect now, at least.

Last year, I couldn’t wait to be on my way home. Packing my car was an aggravating experience, and I was exhausted at the end of it from climbing three flights of stairs on each trip. I’m notoriously independent when it comes to packing my car, and I usually insist on doing it myself because I take great pains trying to fit everything together so that it utilizes the least amount of space. The drive home was long, and when I got back for the summer I didn’t want to ever leave again.

This is a drastic change from this year! This year, I actually laughed and enjoyed packing my car, even though the same frustrations were present (who knew I had so much stuff?!), AND I destroyed Sylvie. Sylvie is my T.V. She is a Sylvania brand, and as such, I dubbed her “Sylvie” when I first got her. I put her on my bed for safekeeping while I was packing up the DVD player underneath her (because it had to go in first), but I had to move my bed to get the power cord unstuck (it was pinched between my dresser and my bedpost). When I moved my bed, the TV toppled right off! Her plastic casing is cracked and probably unfixable, but at least the glass didn’t break. Dad’s going to try to fix it. Emphasis on the word “try.” So I may be replacing Sylvie this summer. Poor Sylvie….

So, on the drive home I had a lot to think about. First off, I was worried about Ben, because I was supposed to meet him this morning and he never showed. Since he doesn’t have a working phone, I had no way of knowing what happened to him. Turns out, he and his cousin both overslept, and didn’t get to LU (we were planning on going to graduation together) until 9:45. Apparently, he thought I would have left by then. What he didn’t know is that I waited for him until 10:10. I’m probably not going to tell him that, because I don’t want to sound accusatory (and I don't want him to feel guilty). He’ll know if he reads this, though. I made it in time to see Ben Stein, though! I sat on the lawn, it was a beautiful day, I got soooo sunburned, and I got a job offer for next semester!

Yeah! This lady randomly came up and asked to see my program, and so I gave it to her and we started talking, and apparently she’s the head of a bunch of kids’ camps in Lynchburg over the summer, and although it’s too late to work them this year, she’s really interested in having me as a tutor for some kids for next semester. She was really quite insistent, and even promised me lodging for the summer if I decided to stay! The only thing is that the camps aren’t Christian camps. But that’s okay for next semester, because I’m not really particular about that for a semester job. Besides, I have my Prayer Leader post to keep me on the spiritual side of things. If I try to do too much teaching, I may get stretched too thin, because I’m not so experienced at teaching.

This job would be on top of an 18 credit-hour course load, two CSERs (Christian Service, 20 hours each in one semester), and juggling my blossoming social life to boot. Also, since one of my CSERs is my being a Prayer Leader, I’m going to be taking time out of my schedule to let them know that I love them and am here for them. Which is going to make my schedule really, REALLY tight. But, if I manage my time well, I think I can do it all.

The thing is, I’ve never really been all that good at time management. I guess I get to learn! I’ll take a few pointers from my old roommate, Miss Stacy Finnigan! She is awesome. For serious. If you get a chance to know her, DO IT. You won’t regret it.

Oh! I learned a new word today. I was reading a pilfered book from my brother’s room, and in it a character called a little boy “Doodlebug.” I like it! I think I’m going to name something “Doodlebug.” I just don’t know what yet.

So, this note has run really long. I guess I just have a lot on my mind right now. I haven’t even scratched the tip of the iceberg…but at least you guys know a little of what’s going on with me.

Till next time, guys…

Of the strange sickness of heart called Loneliness...

I'm here in my dorm room, watching Jane Eyre with Lauren. I'm struck by the notion that I have nothing to do...and I don't particularly like that. All day I've been getting some minute things accomplished, such as selling back my books and getting my CSER forms signed. But now I have nothing really to do. No schedule to keep, nothing to work on.

You'd think I'd be excited and happy about that. You'd think I'd be thrilled that I'm done with school and such.

But...everyone is gone from LU. All my friends, my roommates, most everyone that I care about has left, or will be leaving tomorrow. I can't stand being left here. I can't stand everyone leaving one by one. I'm still resolved to keep myself busy until graduation, and I think I can manage it. However, I am not happy here any longer, not with everyone else gone.

LU is but an empty shell without it's occupants. It must be hard for the Falwell's when we leave, as they stay here throughout the summer while the students leave for home. The students are the lifeblood of this place. We keep this place alive, and give it its character. Without us, this place has no heart, no liveliness.

So, being here without the heart of LU is a most distressing experience. I know, I know, I should be okay with this. I should just be tough. And I am trying to be. I am managing to retain my sanity, and keep my cool. But I am lonely. And I have never handled loneliness well.

Studies...

So, I should be studying right now for my 10:30 exam. But I just feel so overwhelmed with confusing, conflicting emotions that I can't focus.

See, I've pretty much figured out that the thing I wanted to happen is pretty much not going to happen for various reasons. One, I'm an idiot, and I don't think before I do stuff. Two, it's looking like things won't work out for next semester, and even if they do, I still won't be able to be around much. Three, I really don't have the time next semester anyway. Four, I'm still very confused, and I don't know where I stand. Five, I don't want to mess up the friendships I've got going.

So, even though I really want that certain thing to happen, I don't think it will. There's just so much in opposition of it, and all I can think of to do is just wait and watch for God to do something big....or say "no." I'm not being particularly optimistic about any of this, because God has recently been showing me amazing things, but not letting me go do them. After practically hitting me on the head with a calling, or opportunities for summer employment, God pulls back and tells me that I can't do whatever it was that I thought I was supposed to do.

Maybe it's me not listening close enough, I don't know. All I know is that I'm trying, and everything is crashing around my ears. The one thing that hasn't is prayer leader, and I am soooo unbelievably grateful and excited about next semester. I'm already writing down ideas for lessons, and I can't wait to meet my girls!

But, because God has been telling me to wait, and telling me no, I'm afraid that He'll do the same thing this time, with this specific instance that I won't tell you about. Annoying, isn't it? Me rambling on about something that I won't come right out and say. Well, those are the breaks.

Anyway, so, because I'm not sure what God wants, I'm refusing to get my hopes up. The way I figure it, if God really wants this to happen, then He'll have to do it, because I don't trust myself to do this right. Especially because I've been messing up so much lately.