Studies...

So, I should be studying right now for my 10:30 exam. But I just feel so overwhelmed with confusing, conflicting emotions that I can't focus.

See, I've pretty much figured out that the thing I wanted to happen is pretty much not going to happen for various reasons. One, I'm an idiot, and I don't think before I do stuff. Two, it's looking like things won't work out for next semester, and even if they do, I still won't be able to be around much. Three, I really don't have the time next semester anyway. Four, I'm still very confused, and I don't know where I stand. Five, I don't want to mess up the friendships I've got going.

So, even though I really want that certain thing to happen, I don't think it will. There's just so much in opposition of it, and all I can think of to do is just wait and watch for God to do something big....or say "no." I'm not being particularly optimistic about any of this, because God has recently been showing me amazing things, but not letting me go do them. After practically hitting me on the head with a calling, or opportunities for summer employment, God pulls back and tells me that I can't do whatever it was that I thought I was supposed to do.

Maybe it's me not listening close enough, I don't know. All I know is that I'm trying, and everything is crashing around my ears. The one thing that hasn't is prayer leader, and I am soooo unbelievably grateful and excited about next semester. I'm already writing down ideas for lessons, and I can't wait to meet my girls!

But, because God has been telling me to wait, and telling me no, I'm afraid that He'll do the same thing this time, with this specific instance that I won't tell you about. Annoying, isn't it? Me rambling on about something that I won't come right out and say. Well, those are the breaks.

Anyway, so, because I'm not sure what God wants, I'm refusing to get my hopes up. The way I figure it, if God really wants this to happen, then He'll have to do it, because I don't trust myself to do this right. Especially because I've been messing up so much lately.