Daydreaming about Dreaming

I hate losing control. I fear my own anger, what it provokes me to do and say. I hate trust falls--as a former camper and camp counselor, I've had to fall off a platform several times. Luckily, my fellow campers/staffers have always had my back, and I've never fallen. But that moment where my feet fall away from the floor is the most terrified I ever am. The world is falling away, I'm falling, and I just know I'm going to splat against the ground. But then I never do. But even knowing I'll be fine, I still fear falling and trust exercises. The loss of control is terrifying.

But for someone who fears losing control (though usually I have nothing to worry about in that department), I love dreaming. When we sleep, we lose control of our bodies as well as our thoughts. We completely surrender to our need for rest, and in return for our surrender and weakness, we get dreams. I am usually blessed with strange, chaotic, beautiful, and sometimes frightening dreams. Very rarely do I have any direction in my dreams, but I am usually feeling and seeing whatever is happening. And it is wonderful. Why? It's like living a fairytale story.

In my dreams, I can breathe underwater, fly, run a million miles, or do anything I want. Even sprout feathers. That happened once. I was very bewildered when I woke up. (I thought it was hilarious, though.) I think it is because of my dreams--the sleeping kind, not my lofty goals for my future--that allows me to still see the creativity and beauty of the world. My dreams soften my heart and take me back to when I was a kid again, back when sprouting feathers was something that could actually maybe happen. (I spent a good portion of my childhood wishing I could get my owl from Hogwarts and then become an Animagus.)

The point is, to get those glorious dreams, I have to give up my precious control. Control of self is the only control I have--I'm not the type to knowingly manipulate others to get what I want, or try to control events or other people's lives. Oddly enough, it is usually me being manipulated and controlled for the benefit of others.

As for why my dreams are full of nonsense, I really have no idea. It could be a product of my fantasy literature collection, my own very unique subconscious, or it could be that God sends the dreams. Regardless of which it is, I love my dreams, and I don't mind that I have to give up control to get them.

Now if only I could figure out how to not mind falling so much...