Life in so many words.

So, this week was pretty crazy for me. I, by the grace of God, somehow managed to pull two allnighters while going to most of my classes. Now, the root problem here is the issue of my procrastination, but the fact that I know about that problem doesn't help me fix it. Though maybe it should.

Anyway, during the course of the past week, I worked the Writer's Conference (which was amazing), went to my CSER (Christian Service, yay for college forcing me to do things) orientation, Lindsay (my roommate, and also the third occupant of our apartment) moved in, I completed two 8-page papers (one of them a research paper), and I did various bits of reading homework (though I must admit I didn't do most of it). Busy week.

And after pulling two nights of no sleep, what do I have to say for myself? Nothing, really. I can't say I'd like to repeat the experience, but I also can't say I learned anything from it. Which is really funny, because you'd think I'd have learned my lesson.

Anyway, today I've made the discovery that, on average, my hunches are usually correct. This is both a good thing, and a bad thing, I think. On the one hand, I'm not surprised when things happen. On the other, what if I don't want to be right? I've got these hunches, and I call things like I see them, but I don't want to be right most of the time. For example, today I found out that one of my hunches concerning a friend of mine was spot-on. That friend is beginning a new relationship, and I am happy for them. New relationships are amazing. But....I sort of....ah....I liked them, too. So now, even though I'm happy for him, I'm a tad blue.

Not that I'm surprised. 'Cause I'm not. I don't get boyfriends, because I'm afraid of relationships and men in general. Men have too much power to devastate me emotionally. I don't like that. Girls I can handle. Girls are witchy, catty, half-crazy, and big sacks of drama. I know how they think, because I'm also a girl. I know how to shrug off their stupid, envy-filled put downs and vicious words. But men....men I don't understand. They are different, and for that very difference I am attracted to them. But I take what they say too literally, and I let it affect me on an emotional level. I assume they are only out to hurt me, because most of the men who have come through my life have hurt me.

And the fun thing is that they don't even know.

The guys in my life have crushed me emotionally by either verbally putting me down or ignoring me completely. I feel like they just put up with me, that they don't really like me or care to know me as a person. I'm not sure why they don't want to get to know me, but they don't. Maybe I'm not attractive enough, or maybe I'm too tall, or maybe they're intimidated 'cause I'm bright and know lots of generally useless information. Or maybe I'm a stick in the mud who can't tell funny jokes without getting the punch line wrong. God did not give me the gift of comedy. I'm unintentionally funny-I'm hilarious when I'm trying to be serious and it irks me sometimes.

But regardless of the reason behind it, one thing is for sure: I do not attract the kind of man I would like to one day marry. I don't know why this is. I do attract off-kilter, questionable men. I attract men I'm not interested in. I attract men I'm weirded out by. For some reason, I do not attract the proverbial "good guy" that apparently exists out there in the universe. He isn't interested in me.

So I've decided. I don't need him. If I am unable to attract a mate, then who cares. It only means giving up my dreams for my life, but really, what price is that to pay? Sure, I've dreamed of getting married, settling down, and having kids. What girl doesn't? But I don't need that lifestyle. I'll make myself a new dream. So, from now on I will try to give up my picket-fence dreams. I will replace them with the dream of independence and freedom, with the idea of living on my own in a nice place that I pay for myself. The dream of a powerful young woman with big ideas and enough gumption to change the world itself. The dream of a woman without a man at her side. Because honestly? If you men don't like me, then that's your loss. I am an amazing woman who is filled to the brim with creativity, laughter, and passion.

I will not be the damsel in distress, spending my whole life waiting for you to come rescue me from the drudgery of singleness. I refuse.

I don't need you. And I'll prove it.