I'm afraid to let you in,
for what you'll see and where I've been.
I've been broken, I've been bruised,
I've been torn down, I've been used.
You may not like what you see,
inside this little book of me.
And for that reason I will hide,
til I can let you come inside.

"Take away 18, go up a floor,
five from the left, same as before."

I was going to write a long note detailing my epiphany this afternoon. Instead, I will give you two tidbits until I have the time to write a proper note.

Firstly, I have come to the conclusion that writing poetry is addictive. I can't seem to stop. 'Course, I'm not complaining. I like poetry. :)

I'm finding that the poetry I write has deep connection to my life, what I'm feeling/thinking at the time. I sort of feel like I'm leaving clues to what's going on in my mind. At times, they are blatantly obvious. At others...you'd have to know me ridiculously well to know what I'm saying about myself. For instance, that verse up top? Seems rather insignificant, doesn't it? Think again. That little statement carries at least two other profound statements within it.

It is for that reason that I'm beginning to grow very fond of poetry. It's like a riddle, a way to try to really understand a person by finding what's written between the lines.

The other tidbit is a summary of my epiphany moment. Basically, I was brushing a new mare (she's in for training) when I suddenly realized the simplicity of moving the brush over her fur, over and over and over until most of her winter coat had fallen off. It wasn't a hard motion, nor was it complicated. It was routine and pleasurable for both her and I. (I like brushing horses.) I then thought about my life, and how complicated it seemed. I realized that my life really only needs to be a single brush stroke at a time...I can't groom a whole horse with a single stroke, that would be way too complicated. In the same way, I can't do everything in life that I need to do all at once. It's way too complicated.

Sound familiar?

It should. I've been saying that my life is too much for me to handle, and that I feel like I'm drowning in both the "what ifs" of life and my own responsibilities.

I realized in that moment in the barn, that I can't do everything at once. I'm firmly convinced that this revelation came from God. It was almost as if He was guiding my hand on the brush, saying "this is how you can do the rest of the semester." One stroke at a time.

Okay, so I wound up writing everything out anyway. I guess I got carried away, but I'm okay with that.

Til next time...

There's so much I want to say, but no words will come. How do you convey a lifetime of stories and experiences? No other way will anyone understand me.

It seems that words are so arbitrary, that we use them aimlessly and without purpose, so that, eventually, they have no purpose at all. We cannot allow our words to ring hollow...and it is for that reason that I am skittish about my own writing. My words are never, ever hollow, and though I may ramble, every word has a particular meaning to me.

This is more of a journal than a blog. I vent here, namely because I can't express a lot of this in vocal words. It's too...complicated.

One sentence.

Ask questions, and you will get answers...perhaps even answers to questions you didn't ask.

On the subject of happiness

What defines your happiness?

Are you happy because of circumstances? How about because of a certain person (or people)?

Well...I hate to break it to you, but if you place your happiness in circumstantial factors, you will be prone to the sway of emotional highs and lows forever. Life is a roller coaster of circumstances, and no matter what we do, we can't seem to keep things stable in our lives. The only thing certain in life is that everything will change.

So what do we do? How do we achieve this happiness that is so precious and rare? A type of happiness that transcends circumstance, that trumps even emotion itself?

That type of happiness is called joy. It isn't easily found, but it is highly prized and treasured. Joy cannot be found through earthly means. And I must admit...this is where I have failed.

I have failed, as I often do, at finding my happiness in Christ. It is only through Him that we can know joy, and it is only through His power that He gives it to us. I have placed the circumstances of my happiness on whether or not others are energetic and happy...instead of placing them on the very being of Christ.

In Christ, circumstances don't matter, for we know it will work out to a just and good end somehow.

In Christ, people can have bad days, and though we may feel concern, our own well-being doesn't suffer.

In Christ, people can worship in jail cells.

In Christ, people can live and die in hostile territory for the sake of spreading the Gospel.

In Christ is power.

And I know that. And I messed up again. So...as a refocuser, I am planning to spend some hardcore time with God tonight. He and I are gonna get reacquainted and catch up, and I'm going to take to heart the verses that my future SLD and a friend of mine have shared with me. They are stronger than I am right now...

Thoughts...

I know why relationships scare me.

I don't know how he feels, I don't know what he's thinking. I don't know if he still has feelings for her or not. (whoever "her" might be, I don't know) I don't know anything. And not knowing drives me crazy. In a poetic sense, the reason I have avoided relationships like the plague is simply because of the unknowns.

I've had my share of offers over the past few months. (okay, it was only two. But it's more than I usually get!) Ironically, I rejected them all. Why is this ironic? Well, most of my life I have wanted to be pursued, and wondered why I was not. And now that there's finally interest...I have no interest to return. I mean, sure, I have liked some of them. There wasn't anything wrong with them.

But I just can't get over my own fears. I am afraid that I will get into a relationship for the wrong reason. One of my friends told me that the reason anyone gets into a relationship is because they like the other person, but is that really all that is required? I think not. I like plenty of people that I will never ever date.

So, why am I talking about this? Well, it's on my mind. And because I'm crushing pretty hard on someone that I don't think I have a chance with. In some moments I feel like we pretty much understand each other, but in others...he just feels so far away. On a different plane. One that I just can barely grasp, but won't ever fully reach. How is it possible to feel so close, yet so far away?

I do enjoy his company. I do think we'll be good friends. But...I don't know if we'll ever really understand each other, because I don't even begin to pretend that I'm without my complexities, and I am already painfully aware that I may not be able to grasp his. Everyone keeps saying not to get my hopes up, but there may be a chance. I'm trying to keep positive, but it isn't easy.

And so, I think I will choose to let go. I won't force this, and I won't cling to something that never existed. If it happens, then so be it, but it will happen or not happen on its own. I don't want anyone to talk to him for me, I don't want anyone to say anything at all. If he knows, then good. If he doesn't, then he'll have to figure it out on his own. If nothing comes of this, then so be it.

I'm tough...a lot tougher than I want to be in this regard. I'm not a fragile butterfly, I've been hurt before, I've had to grow a thick skin. So...I'm not worried about myself. I can take whatever life dishes out, and if I have to be alone, well....it's a good thing I'm used to it, right? I can handle it.

Haha, I don't even know why I was worried now. See how I talk myself down? This right here is why I blog. To keep my sanity. :-)

How I am always out of the loop.

So, tonight, my wonderful PL texts me with a highly suspicious gleeful laugh-like "teehee," then promptly tells me that she can't tell me why she's laughing. I, of course, go to investigate. Now, apparently what's going to happen is not an event, but it involves me and several other people. I am not to know until it is "my turn" to know, and I am now so thouroughly confused that I have no idea what's going on.

I have my hunches, I always do.

I just honestly have no idea what's happening, and I rather dislike it. I hate not knowing what's going on if I know that SOMETHING is going on. If I knew nothing at all, that would be better than knowing the little that I do know.

I am comforted by the fact that whatever this is is apparently hilarious, and I will be very glad of it at some point. Small comfort that it is.

Anyway, my main problem is that I'm out of the loop ONCE AGAIN. Why don't people let me in on stuff? It's not like I can't keep a secret, heck, I'm a box full of secrets. It's not like I don't have good ideas for stuff. So...why don't I ever know anything?

Oh, well. At least I always find out in the end...even if I'm the last person who knows.

Thoughts in the Tilley

So, I'm sitting here in the Tilley Center. And they just turned the lights out on us, which means that I've got 15 minutes to tell you what I was going to say.

Anyway, I've decided that if you want to cuddle with your bf or gf, the best place to go is the Tilley center after curfew. All the RAs are doing curfew checks, so that means that there is no one to reprimand you for hugging for more than 3 seconds. All over this place, couples have arms draped over each other, laying on each other's shoulders, and while it is very touching and sweet, I have to say that I am not amused.

I'm in the Tilley with awesome people. Molly and Ben (both of which seem to have parts of my soul, as they are so very similar to me), and Treva and her bf Ryan, whom I just met a few hours ago. They're all cuddled up on each other, and I don't really know how I feel about that. On one hand, it is really sweet, and I'm happy for her. On the other, I'm also insanely jealous because I don't have a man of my own.

At any rate, I love that I actually have a social life now. I have amazing friends who actually do stuff off campus (and invite me to tag along). Life is pretty grand right now.

Anyway, I'd better skidaddle. The lady just came around to give me my late-night pass to get back in my dorm...and I should probably head out pretty soon.

Love you guys!

And hey, another non-depressing post! I'm doing fairly well for myself. Mwaha.

A "say what?!" moment.

Have you ever known someone, but not really?

Well, a few months back, I met this guy who seemed pretty cool. Until he practically ignored me after I met him. Now, I don't really appreciate that, and I don't know why he did it, but he hasn't acknowledged my existence in about five months. I tried saying "hi" to him at first, but when it became clear that wasn't working, I ceased trying and started pretending that he was just some other guy at the college.

Today, I was hanging out with my roommate, Stacy (who is awesome), at lunch. We went up to put our dishes away, and that guy was walking up with a group of his friends to put his stuff away as well. I think that I'll be ignored again, so I immediately start making a show of looking at the light fixtures. To my surprise, not only has he known who I am THIS WHOLE TIME, but he knows my name, and he asked how I was doing. Said he hadn't seen me in forever.

Riiiiiiiight.

I've come to two conclusions. Either he's blind as a bat, or he's trying to smooth things over by trying to pretend like all those instances never happened.

Naturally, I was shocked by his (possibly feigned) interest. I stuttered out some feeble reply, and then my roommate and I went on our way.

I should probably mention that he knows my roommate (fairly well, I think), and spoke to her first. Perhaps he only mentioned me as an afterthought so he wouldn't seem rude.

You're probably wondering what this has to do with anything. Well, it really has nothing to do with anything. I just thought it was a rather interesting experience. I also was kind of crushing on him when I first met him, so it's rather important to me. I'm not interested now, but (and you gals know it's true) because I liked him at one time, I remember his face, name, interests, and even some of his corny jokes.

Anyway, I just felt like writing that down. Hey, at least I'm not being all depressing this time!

Until next time, guys!

General reflections. Hey, I can't help it that I write when I'm contemplative.

So, today I pretty much realize that I'm always a little bit different from everyone else. It doesn't matter who they are, or how much we have in common. I always feel just a little isolated from the group.

I suppose it's because I really don't fit any stereotypical molds. I'm not like anyone else you'll ever meet. I know that there are other people who are different in their own right, but so far I haven't met anyone who really gets me.

I thought that Liberty would be different. I thought that somehow, just by being here, I would be understood by the majority of the populace. Naive thinking.

Especially since I'm not quite as firm in my faith right now as I ought to be.

I've come to a place where I feel like I've missed out on something crucial in my walk with Christ. People who convert at later ages have miles and miles of history they can look back at and say "hey, Jesus saved me from that." They know exactly what made them believe, and they can probably articulate why they believed.

But I can't. I was saved when I was 12. Do I remember much about my life back then? Nope. I don't think my life was very much different after I was saved than other unsaved kids my age. All my life, I've been living a forced Christianity. I chose to do what the Bible said was right. I didn't do it because I was compelled by love. It was expected, something I felt required to do.

And now I don't know. I don't know anything, really. I thought I was doing what I was supposed to. I thought I was growing in Christ. I thought a lot of things. Were any of them real? To be honest, I've never really doubted before. I've taken a lot of things on faith that I probably should have taken on reason. I'm wondering now if anyone really has reasoned out Christianity.

All my profs say that Christianity is reasonable and logical. But have any of them really come up with sound, logical reasons for believing? I think my Philosophy prof tries to explain it, but he just can't connect with us students. I don't understand his logic, and I don't see his reasoning. I try to reason it out myself, and I come up with circular arguments and fallacies. I expect this is because I'm not as learned as my professor is, but what if it's not?

What if Christianity isn't logical?

I'm hoping, praying, wishing with every fiber of my being that someone has figured this out. I don't want to lose my faith over this, and I don't think I will. I do, however, think that it will be severely weakened. I don't want to be a zombie-Christian. I don't want to be someone who believes what they're told and doesn't do some digging on their own for the truth. To do that, I have to doubt. I have to find out my own answers.

And I'm terrified that my answers will lead me to the conclusion that this Christianity thing is a waste of time. I'm afraid.

A month ago, I was firmly and fiercely committed to Christ. I was sure that nothing could shake my faith. Now, life has intervened, and I'm faced with unanswered questions and nagging doubts. Perhaps it is Satan, or one of his minions, trying to coerce me to give up the faith. But even if it is, aren't these doubts worth taking a look at? Shouldn't I try to find answers for my questions? Is it wrong to want to understand if what I'm doing is worthwhile?

Is it bad I keep waiting for a phone call that's never going to come?

I keep hoping, even though I know that there's no point. I keep dreaming, even though there's no reason to...

Maybe it's because I just can't accept what is. Maybe it's because with every fiber of my being I wish I could change the outcome somehow. I do blame myself. I know that it's not my fault, but I can't help it. It's how I do things.

So, even though I know that I tried my hardest and what is just has to be, I still wait for the phone call that won't happen. I know that my hopes won't die completely until the summer begins. Being a dreamer is hard. When things fall through, there is always the little tiny glimmer of hope that won't die. The little nudge that makes you think that maybe, just maybe, there was a mistake, and whatever you'd been hoping for will happen.

Life doesn't work that way.

In this crazy, beautiful, awful thing called life, when someone says "no" it usually means "no." There aren't any second chances, no "do-overs," nothing. You succeed or fail based on one attempt. Most people don't really like that, but come to accept it at some point.

I don't ever really accept it. For example, when I was in high school, I busted my butt trying to get into Governor's School. I didn't get in, even though I felt like I deserved to. Even though I realize that Governor's School probably would have been bad for me, and I really didn't need it to get into college Aanyway, I still kick myself about failing to get in. I wrote killer essays, but...I look over them now and only see what was wrong. It kills me that I didn't get in.

And it's the same way with everything else in life. Of course, I bottle all this up. I would never want to hurt anyone else with my own personal bitterness. I really am happy for others when they succeed, I just...I wish I could have succeeded with them. I feel left out, like I'm missing something (which I am, I'm missing out on experiences and such). But I keep these feelings to myself (usually) because I know that it will hurt those that did succeed if I let them know how badly I'm hurting.

What's even more pathetic is that even though I have a lot of good things going for me, I just can't seem to focus on the positive. I see the sunny side of life in everyone and everything but myself. I'm always so hard on myself, and even though I could count all the times I've succeeded at things and find that the number is probably greater than the things I've failed at, I always count up the failures and let that drag me down.

Now, I know that no one is perfect.

But somehow I always think that I should be. That I'm not allowed to make mistakes. That I have to do better, be better, try harder. Because if I should fail (or lose, this is why I'm such a sore loser), I feel like I'm worthless. Like all the work I put into whatever it was is wasted. But when I'm winning, I shrug it off as nothing and go on trying for something bigger.

There has got to be some kind of psychological diagnosis for that.

Of course, I'm not the type to go to a shrink. I'm the kind of person who thinks I can fix everything on my own. Why? Because asking for help is admitting weakness, admitting failure. Which, as per the previous paragraphs is kind of a big thing for me.

Anyway, I didn't mean to rant about this for so long. I guess I'm just feeling a bit down today, and frustrated because I can't make anything work out the way I want it to. A lot of decisions regarding my personal future are still in the works...and I hate not knowing what I'm going to be doing next.

On another note, I'm kind of questioning God right now. I'm a big "why" person, and anyone who knows me knows that I'm always trying to get to the bottom of things. So...I'm at a loss as to why certain things are happening in my life, and I'm trying to petition God for the answers. And for those of you who shrink back at that statement, here's a thought for you.

Do you think that God isn't big enough to handle our questions? He already knows how we're feeling anyway, might as well tell him. Do you think He's too weak to handle it? I don't think so. I believe that God is Omnipotent, Omniscient, and Omnipresent. And if He's all of those things, then I think He can deal with a few questions. After all, doubting is not a sin. Questioning things isn't a sin. If we don't question, how will we be certain in our faith? How will we know that we believe what we claim to believe? I think that doubting is part of the refining of our faith.

So, it is perfectly okay that I've got a few questions for God!

To end on a happier note, because I hate ending on a harsh one, the weather outside is glorious today. It's sunny and warm and slightly windy...just the way I like it. I just wish I hadn't been rained on this morning. Can you say cold and wet? Haha! Well, until next time, guys...