Thoughts...

I know why relationships scare me.

I don't know how he feels, I don't know what he's thinking. I don't know if he still has feelings for her or not. (whoever "her" might be, I don't know) I don't know anything. And not knowing drives me crazy. In a poetic sense, the reason I have avoided relationships like the plague is simply because of the unknowns.

I've had my share of offers over the past few months. (okay, it was only two. But it's more than I usually get!) Ironically, I rejected them all. Why is this ironic? Well, most of my life I have wanted to be pursued, and wondered why I was not. And now that there's finally interest...I have no interest to return. I mean, sure, I have liked some of them. There wasn't anything wrong with them.

But I just can't get over my own fears. I am afraid that I will get into a relationship for the wrong reason. One of my friends told me that the reason anyone gets into a relationship is because they like the other person, but is that really all that is required? I think not. I like plenty of people that I will never ever date.

So, why am I talking about this? Well, it's on my mind. And because I'm crushing pretty hard on someone that I don't think I have a chance with. In some moments I feel like we pretty much understand each other, but in others...he just feels so far away. On a different plane. One that I just can barely grasp, but won't ever fully reach. How is it possible to feel so close, yet so far away?

I do enjoy his company. I do think we'll be good friends. But...I don't know if we'll ever really understand each other, because I don't even begin to pretend that I'm without my complexities, and I am already painfully aware that I may not be able to grasp his. Everyone keeps saying not to get my hopes up, but there may be a chance. I'm trying to keep positive, but it isn't easy.

And so, I think I will choose to let go. I won't force this, and I won't cling to something that never existed. If it happens, then so be it, but it will happen or not happen on its own. I don't want anyone to talk to him for me, I don't want anyone to say anything at all. If he knows, then good. If he doesn't, then he'll have to figure it out on his own. If nothing comes of this, then so be it.

I'm tough...a lot tougher than I want to be in this regard. I'm not a fragile butterfly, I've been hurt before, I've had to grow a thick skin. So...I'm not worried about myself. I can take whatever life dishes out, and if I have to be alone, well....it's a good thing I'm used to it, right? I can handle it.

Haha, I don't even know why I was worried now. See how I talk myself down? This right here is why I blog. To keep my sanity. :-)