Is it bad I keep waiting for a phone call that's never going to come?

I keep hoping, even though I know that there's no point. I keep dreaming, even though there's no reason to...

Maybe it's because I just can't accept what is. Maybe it's because with every fiber of my being I wish I could change the outcome somehow. I do blame myself. I know that it's not my fault, but I can't help it. It's how I do things.

So, even though I know that I tried my hardest and what is just has to be, I still wait for the phone call that won't happen. I know that my hopes won't die completely until the summer begins. Being a dreamer is hard. When things fall through, there is always the little tiny glimmer of hope that won't die. The little nudge that makes you think that maybe, just maybe, there was a mistake, and whatever you'd been hoping for will happen.

Life doesn't work that way.

In this crazy, beautiful, awful thing called life, when someone says "no" it usually means "no." There aren't any second chances, no "do-overs," nothing. You succeed or fail based on one attempt. Most people don't really like that, but come to accept it at some point.

I don't ever really accept it. For example, when I was in high school, I busted my butt trying to get into Governor's School. I didn't get in, even though I felt like I deserved to. Even though I realize that Governor's School probably would have been bad for me, and I really didn't need it to get into college Aanyway, I still kick myself about failing to get in. I wrote killer essays, but...I look over them now and only see what was wrong. It kills me that I didn't get in.

And it's the same way with everything else in life. Of course, I bottle all this up. I would never want to hurt anyone else with my own personal bitterness. I really am happy for others when they succeed, I just...I wish I could have succeeded with them. I feel left out, like I'm missing something (which I am, I'm missing out on experiences and such). But I keep these feelings to myself (usually) because I know that it will hurt those that did succeed if I let them know how badly I'm hurting.

What's even more pathetic is that even though I have a lot of good things going for me, I just can't seem to focus on the positive. I see the sunny side of life in everyone and everything but myself. I'm always so hard on myself, and even though I could count all the times I've succeeded at things and find that the number is probably greater than the things I've failed at, I always count up the failures and let that drag me down.

Now, I know that no one is perfect.

But somehow I always think that I should be. That I'm not allowed to make mistakes. That I have to do better, be better, try harder. Because if I should fail (or lose, this is why I'm such a sore loser), I feel like I'm worthless. Like all the work I put into whatever it was is wasted. But when I'm winning, I shrug it off as nothing and go on trying for something bigger.

There has got to be some kind of psychological diagnosis for that.

Of course, I'm not the type to go to a shrink. I'm the kind of person who thinks I can fix everything on my own. Why? Because asking for help is admitting weakness, admitting failure. Which, as per the previous paragraphs is kind of a big thing for me.

Anyway, I didn't mean to rant about this for so long. I guess I'm just feeling a bit down today, and frustrated because I can't make anything work out the way I want it to. A lot of decisions regarding my personal future are still in the works...and I hate not knowing what I'm going to be doing next.

On another note, I'm kind of questioning God right now. I'm a big "why" person, and anyone who knows me knows that I'm always trying to get to the bottom of things. So...I'm at a loss as to why certain things are happening in my life, and I'm trying to petition God for the answers. And for those of you who shrink back at that statement, here's a thought for you.

Do you think that God isn't big enough to handle our questions? He already knows how we're feeling anyway, might as well tell him. Do you think He's too weak to handle it? I don't think so. I believe that God is Omnipotent, Omniscient, and Omnipresent. And if He's all of those things, then I think He can deal with a few questions. After all, doubting is not a sin. Questioning things isn't a sin. If we don't question, how will we be certain in our faith? How will we know that we believe what we claim to believe? I think that doubting is part of the refining of our faith.

So, it is perfectly okay that I've got a few questions for God!

To end on a happier note, because I hate ending on a harsh one, the weather outside is glorious today. It's sunny and warm and slightly windy...just the way I like it. I just wish I hadn't been rained on this morning. Can you say cold and wet? Haha! Well, until next time, guys...