So, today I pretty much realize that I'm always a little bit different from everyone else. It doesn't matter who they are, or how much we have in common. I always feel just a little isolated from the group.
I suppose it's because I really don't fit any stereotypical molds. I'm not like anyone else you'll ever meet. I know that there are other people who are different in their own right, but so far I haven't met anyone who really gets me.
I thought that Liberty would be different. I thought that somehow, just by being here, I would be understood by the majority of the populace. Naive thinking.
Especially since I'm not quite as firm in my faith right now as I ought to be.
I've come to a place where I feel like I've missed out on something crucial in my walk with Christ. People who convert at later ages have miles and miles of history they can look back at and say "hey, Jesus saved me from that." They know exactly what made them believe, and they can probably articulate why they believed.
But I can't. I was saved when I was 12. Do I remember much about my life back then? Nope. I don't think my life was very much different after I was saved than other unsaved kids my age. All my life, I've been living a forced Christianity. I chose to do what the Bible said was right. I didn't do it because I was compelled by love. It was expected, something I felt required to do.
And now I don't know. I don't know anything, really. I thought I was doing what I was supposed to. I thought I was growing in Christ. I thought a lot of things. Were any of them real? To be honest, I've never really doubted before. I've taken a lot of things on faith that I probably should have taken on reason. I'm wondering now if anyone really has reasoned out Christianity.
All my profs say that Christianity is reasonable and logical. But have any of them really come up with sound, logical reasons for believing? I think my Philosophy prof tries to explain it, but he just can't connect with us students. I don't understand his logic, and I don't see his reasoning. I try to reason it out myself, and I come up with circular arguments and fallacies. I expect this is because I'm not as learned as my professor is, but what if it's not?
What if Christianity isn't logical?
I'm hoping, praying, wishing with every fiber of my being that someone has figured this out. I don't want to lose my faith over this, and I don't think I will. I do, however, think that it will be severely weakened. I don't want to be a zombie-Christian. I don't want to be someone who believes what they're told and doesn't do some digging on their own for the truth. To do that, I have to doubt. I have to find out my own answers.
And I'm terrified that my answers will lead me to the conclusion that this Christianity thing is a waste of time. I'm afraid.
A month ago, I was firmly and fiercely committed to Christ. I was sure that nothing could shake my faith. Now, life has intervened, and I'm faced with unanswered questions and nagging doubts. Perhaps it is Satan, or one of his minions, trying to coerce me to give up the faith. But even if it is, aren't these doubts worth taking a look at? Shouldn't I try to find answers for my questions? Is it wrong to want to understand if what I'm doing is worthwhile?
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