Eh, I reconsidered.

So, go ahead and have my new blog link.

http://unwillingthespian.blogspot.com/

I decided I was being harsh and unfair. Sorry about that.

I have moved!

It's official. I'm retiring this blog.

This blog was meant to be an expression of my thoughts and feelings, but it turned into something else. It turned into a way that I could be condescending and cruel just to make myself feel high and mighty.

So I'm moving to a new blog. And I'm not giving you the address.

I'll be handing out the invites to a select few people once I'm all set up at my new site.

As far as this blog goes...I may or may not delete it entirely. I may leave it up as a reminder to myself to be careful of what I write in the future.

Huh.

What do you do when your heart isn't ready to feel, but your mind says that it's time to forgive and let live?

My head says I'm being ridiculous, that I'm behaving like a kid and I should buck up. My heart says that it isn't willing to trust yet, that it'll just get hurt again.

Where's the line between being cautious and being overcautious? My mind says go, my heart says no. Distance is a healer, but only if it lasts forever.

I was confronted with an ex about a month back, and I quickly found out that distance only heals if it's forever. So distance won't work. All my life I've run from problems, traded them for new beginnings. For the past few years I've been trying to face my issues. I've grown so much from fighting my battles instead of running from them.

So, if distance won't work, and I'm not emotionally ready to go forth, then what? Huh. I guess I'll have to think on that one.

She lives!

Have I ever told you how much I love randomly disappearing from the internet? It's freeing, I tell you. So much happiness and relief from stress.

But since I've been gone a while, here's an update on me:

I'm home (which is amazing, and definitely where I'm supposed to be right now) while taking summer classes at a (sort of) nearby university. The hour and 20 minute commute is tough some days, but I love the chance to sing along with the radio at the top of my lungs with no one watching (or listening!). I also get loads of time to think.

And I'm finally happy again. It's nice not to have to stress about anything more serious than schoolwork. No more drama, no more struggling for money, no more just....general life-suck. I'm ready to start living life again, and I'm excited about what the future holds (even though I still have no idea what's going to happen after July).

I won't be online much, because internet at home is awful, and because like I said, it's nice to take a break. I don't need this blog to garner approval from people when I can talk to them face to face, nor do I really need to cultivate approval at all. I am who I am, and with each day I care less and less about the naysayers.

That's what the loving support of a good family does, and mine is definitely the best family ever (even with all our quirks).

I'll be burying my nose in Spanish homework now, like a good student...before going to job training! I'm working at a gymnastics academy as a secretary (no way I can be a gymnast, that would be a hilarious sight).

Peace out!

Grief

I've been thinking a lot lately about death. Not because I'm suicidal or depressed. But I'm being confronted with the very real possibility of someone I know dying.

I haven't ever really had to deal with the death of a loved one, and now that it's a possibility, I really don't know how I feel. I don't want to have to deal with this. I don't want this. I'm angry and sad...and I'm not even the one dying. I feel like I don't deserve to be angry or sad because I'm not the one directly affected. I'm not sick.

But that doesn't change how emotionally crushed I am. I really don't know how to deal. And I probably will never know how to deal.

Maybe that's okay.

Gloss it Up

No matter how much shine you put on yourself, you will always know what you really look/act/think like.

Maybe instead of plastering ourselves with shiny cosmetics, us gals should work on what really matters--who we are on the inside.

I am frustrated that I am beginning to buy into the idea that to be happy, I have to do myself up. I'm beautiful inside and out, and I shouldn't feel like I have to paint myself to find happiness. How silly is that?

It's like me saying to you: Go roll in some acrylic rainbow paint and you'll find happiness. Uh...actually, that sounds like a lot of fun...

Anyway, bottom line: Make-up is fun. If you do it for fun, then congratulations. If, however, you do it because you think you have to wear it to be beautiful...then you should know that makeup does not create beauty. You do that every time you're nice to someone, or flash a smile.

Beauty is way more than skin deep. Anyone who tries to tell you otherwise is just shallow...and probably miserable themselves.

I Need a Vacation

I'm pulling eyeteeth to graduate (sort of) on time. At the end of all this, I'm going somewhere. I don't know where, but I'm going on vacation.

I want to go to Orlando and visit Islands of Adventure to see the new Harry Potter island. But that probably won't happen. Sadness. But I am definitely going someplace. I have put in so much work and effort lately and I really think that should be rewarded, even if it's only with a trip to the beach for a day.

Life Lessons from Disney

Rafiki: What was that? The weather-Pbbbah! Very peculiar. Don't you think?

Simba: Yeah. Looks like the winds are changing.

Rafiki: Ahhh. Change is good.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Rafiki: Oh yes, the past can hurt. But the way I see it, you can either run from it. . .or learn from it.

Oooh-la-la!

I redesigned my blog today! You know you love it.

Yaaaaay, colors! I actually don't mind the pink in this one--the orange downplays it enough that I'm not cringing at the sight.

And it has lime green. I have much love for lime green.

Growing a Spine

I'm told that I care too much on a regular basis by a good friend of mine. He's right. I do.

So this is me, deciding to care a bit less what other people think. I'm always worried that someone will misunderstand me, or get something out of what I write or say that wasn't my intention. But no more. From now on, I will write whatever I want (I've sort of been doing that one already), and if anyone has a problem, then they can post a comment or come talk to me about it.

If they choose not to say anything, then they should also choose to forfeit their complaints about what I've written. "Speak now or forever hold your peace."

On this blog, I will never write about specific people or specific events. I write about issues in my life in a general sense. I do this to protect the people I have come in contact with. I have tried to protect them to the point where I have been unable to write anything. I care too much.

Because this is an online medium, I care about protecting the people in my life--even those I dislike. But I will not let my inspiration be crippled by my over-caring nature. So I choose to write what I feel while protecting the innocent (and not-so innocent). And I won't feel guilty about that, either.

"Like 90210 without the Beverly Hills"

I'm done with this college town, with its juvenile drama. Honestly, you'd think that kids would have learned to talk through their issues by the time they hit college, but time after time again I've found that isn't the case here. Maybe it's that we're not maturing as quick as we used to, but whatever the reason, I can't stand it anymore. I'm ready to be treated like an adult, not an unruly high schooler. College kids and their drama.

But whatever the reason, I'm tired of having to deal with other people's issues. I'm tired of having their problems of past neglect or trauma become my problems. I have my own baggage, but at least I acknowledge that it's there and work towards getting rid of it. Most of the girls I've had issues with--guys haven't really given me that much trouble--haven't done that, at least not out loud. (I am not counting the times girls have tearfully and emphatically stated that they were horrible people in an attempt to gain sympathy. Those times definitely don't count. Sad to say, that's happened with several of the girls I used to know...) They appeared to be in a state of denial, and that never works out well for anyone.

When faced with those types of people, I have always run. Always. Why? Dude, those gals were poisonous. No matter what I did, it was wrong. I could do no right, they always found fault. They were unhappy with themselves, and so they made me miserable too. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't fix it. So I gave up, endured, and as soon as I could be rid of them, I was.

Even though I've lost those relationships, I think I'm better for the loss. Hurting people hurt people. Until you deal with your baggage, you will always hurt those around you, damage your friendships, and run off those that you love. It's a constant process, dealing with baggage. But if I can do it, so can you. Now I can maintain healthy relationships with people--providing that those people aren't poisonous themselves. It's definitely worth the effort, pain, and hours of self-reflection.

Letting Others Speak

I recently let someone else speak for me. I intend to do the same again, because I'm sure you would rather not listen to me all the time. Finding other people who share my viewpoints validates my beliefs and opinions and strengthens what I say. When I say that I agree with something, that choice becomes part of who I am.

I agree with this article here about pretty much everything it says, particularly the bit about the signs of a a narrow-minded, selfish friend. Trust me on this one, once you figure out that a person is this way you've got to cut and run. They'll only burn you out otherwise.

On a happy note: Easter was fabulous, my family is amazing, and I can't wait until I can go home for the summer.

How I feel about yelling.

This time I'm not going to say anything. I'm going to let someone else talk for a change.

This guy here says pretty much everything I'd want to say on this topic. Watch and enjoy--and hopefully learn something, or realize something you hadn't realized before.

Note: I do not endorse this man's opinions about other topics, particularly those regarding religion. I do, however, fully endorse his opinion on this topic.

Facebook

Have you ever noticed that Facebook is nothing more than glorified stalking?

Or that high school drama can be magnified to a larger scale? For instance,

"OMG, Johnny went out with Kelly last night. I totally hate her now! She is so not my friend anymore."

So then Kelly gets hurt, and wonders what in the world happened.

This happened to my brother not long ago, and it has happened very recently to another friend of mine (though that situation is different).

I'm going to stick my neck out and say that if you delete someone you know in real life and see on a regular basis, you should probably tell them what's up. Why? Because they won't know otherwise. Deleting them on Facebook is a passive-aggressive act that is uncalled for and very immature.

Communication is key. If that person is not spoken to and an explanation is not given, then that person will have no idea what on earth they've done to upset you. People are not mind readers. You have to tell us what's on your mind.

Also, if the deleting was for something trivial and petty, then shame on you.

Daydreaming about Dreaming

I hate losing control. I fear my own anger, what it provokes me to do and say. I hate trust falls--as a former camper and camp counselor, I've had to fall off a platform several times. Luckily, my fellow campers/staffers have always had my back, and I've never fallen. But that moment where my feet fall away from the floor is the most terrified I ever am. The world is falling away, I'm falling, and I just know I'm going to splat against the ground. But then I never do. But even knowing I'll be fine, I still fear falling and trust exercises. The loss of control is terrifying.

But for someone who fears losing control (though usually I have nothing to worry about in that department), I love dreaming. When we sleep, we lose control of our bodies as well as our thoughts. We completely surrender to our need for rest, and in return for our surrender and weakness, we get dreams. I am usually blessed with strange, chaotic, beautiful, and sometimes frightening dreams. Very rarely do I have any direction in my dreams, but I am usually feeling and seeing whatever is happening. And it is wonderful. Why? It's like living a fairytale story.

In my dreams, I can breathe underwater, fly, run a million miles, or do anything I want. Even sprout feathers. That happened once. I was very bewildered when I woke up. (I thought it was hilarious, though.) I think it is because of my dreams--the sleeping kind, not my lofty goals for my future--that allows me to still see the creativity and beauty of the world. My dreams soften my heart and take me back to when I was a kid again, back when sprouting feathers was something that could actually maybe happen. (I spent a good portion of my childhood wishing I could get my owl from Hogwarts and then become an Animagus.)

The point is, to get those glorious dreams, I have to give up my precious control. Control of self is the only control I have--I'm not the type to knowingly manipulate others to get what I want, or try to control events or other people's lives. Oddly enough, it is usually me being manipulated and controlled for the benefit of others.

As for why my dreams are full of nonsense, I really have no idea. It could be a product of my fantasy literature collection, my own very unique subconscious, or it could be that God sends the dreams. Regardless of which it is, I love my dreams, and I don't mind that I have to give up control to get them.

Now if only I could figure out how to not mind falling so much...

Verse of the Day

This is one of my personal favorites.

Luke 8:17 "For all that is secret will eventually be brought into the open, and everything that is concealed will be brought to light and made known to all."

This means exactly what it says. You can't keep something secret. Eventually, people will know about it. Now, if it's a good secret, like a surprise birthday party, that might not be so bad. But if it's not, and you're doing something wrong, or something that you know will hurt someone else if they found out...

Well, secrets will out. And ultimately, no matter the type of secret, in the end it will be the secret-keeper who faces the consequences. The moral of the story? Don't sneak around, or do shady stuff. It never ends well, people will find out, and if they decide to put you to the coals?

There's no defending that sort of thing. Not really.

What is Love? (Don't Hurt Me)

I totally have Haddaway on the brain.

You know what love is? Do you really? Today was in a large part a lesson in love for me. Firstly, in class we talked about how Kate Croy (The Wings of the Dove again) and her love for Merton Densher. They had passion, but no love (at least not yet, we're not done with the novel). Prof. Towles was talking about how passion does not equal love--and he said that love does not begin until after passion fizzles out. I'm out of passion right now. But I can choose to love now, because this, in the midst of pain and heartbreak and aching sadness is where love can begin.

I don't know if you believe in God, or what. But I do, and I've been having issues with Him lately. But I'm an ungrateful person, and I don't appreciate Him like I should. I mean, just because He doesn't make sense to me doesn't mean that He isn't powerful, and it doesn't mean that He doesn't love me. And there are certain parallels between my relationship with God and some situations in my life with how I'm dealing with people.

I'm realizing that I can't stop loving them just because they disappoint me, or hurt me. But here's the thing. I can't love like that on my own. Do you know what that requires? Complete self-sacrifice.

Do you know why it's hard to love like that? Because sometimes, the other person isn't being very lovable. Or maybe you aren't. But regardless of what is happening, it is not always easy to love someone. It's very hard to love my brother at six AM, when he wakes me up while he's getting ready for school. Does that mean that I shouldn't love him? Absolutely not.

1 Corinthians 13:4-8 says "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails."

If you love somebody, that doesn't mean you let them walk all over you. But you do have to kill your selfishness and quit picking at faults in someone else. Not all conflict is about the other person. Sometimes the cause is you. And when it is, and even when it isn't, you have to humble yourself, swallow your pride, and go to that person with an apologetic heart. Otherwise, things are not going to get better. I am guilty of not doing that. I think we all are sometimes.

Right now, I'm pretty much heartbroken. I'm done trying to hide my brokenness. I'm sorry I even tried that in the first place. But even though I'm in severe emotional pain, I will still choose to love. Because Jesus came for me when I was still guilty and undeserving...and if I can't pass that love on now, then I am a disgrace to Him. So even though I will be cut down again and again, I will still choose to love. It isn't going to be easy. I can't do it alone. I'm leaning on God to help me out here. Which is hard for me. I'm having issues with God right now.

But my issues aren't as important to me that I would hang on to them for the sake of my pride. I'll still question, but...right now it is more important that I love. I don't know what I'm going to do to show that love, but...I'm sure He's got some ideas about that.

The Wings of the Dove

Are you ready? Can you see?

See the way you're controlling me.

I have a heart that yearns to love

I'll fly away on wings, a dove.

You can't stop me, oh you'll see!

His heart forever belongs to me.

My escape, my love, my liberty

Away, apart from you, I'll be

Apparently I'm in a poetic mood. All poems in this blog post are (mostly) inspired by Henry James's novel The Wings of the Dove. I took some creative liberties. The book's got a pretty decent story, but it is anything but an easy read. I have issues with James's style of writing. It's too flowery and filled with fluff for me. Give me some Mark Twain over Henry James any day. Not only is Twain easier to understand, he's way more patriotic than James. James ran off to Europe and became an ex-patriot.

Granted, I imagine it's far more romantic to fly away to Europe. I mean, have you seen Venice? Yeah, I haven't either. But I've seen pictures, and man. That place is gorgeous.

Anyway, like I said earlier, anything personal will be cryptic. Sorry. It kills me to do it, but I'd rather be careful. A lot of drama is happening right now, and it's better to be safe than sorry.

I'll leave you with one last poem, just in case my bad poetry hasn't already fried your brain cells.

Living life like puppets on strings,

break away.

You say you can't choose anything,

break away.

The Light at the End of the Tunnel

Encrypted words in disguise, looking through closed windows, the bars creep open, my chains are rattling free...though imprisonment endures from an unexpected source, my freedom is sure to come. The date is set, the battle nearly won...waiting for the last grain of sand to fall. Then my freedom is complete.

Meaning locked behind closed doors, my heart in a prison of safety. Creativity squelched for the sake of peace. Strangled words whisper my plea, understanding is hopefully futile. I apologize for the veiled words, honest speech only ignites the flames higher. I have refused to give up on writing, even if I must write in incomprehensible babble.

Maybe one day I can write openly again, without judgment. But for now, whatever I might want to pen that is even the slightest bit personal will be hidden among the adjectives and adverbs.

I will say this. It is hard to know if there is really a light at the end of the tunnel...or if it's just the train coming to smash me to bits. We'll have to wait and see.

-Kat

I'm probably not going to be writing much anymore.

At least, not for a while.

Some real-life things have sort of made me view this blog as a bad outlet for me.

And I'm trying to graduate in May. So...yeah, that's my sole focus right now.

I write for me, so that I can express myself. But that, like everything else is fallen.

If it's broken, why use it?

I'll be back eventually. Just...don't look for me for a while.

-Kat

Who is your audience?

I keep up with many people through blogs. It's fun, and I enjoy it, but I can't help but notice that some writing speaks clearly to me and some just...well, doesn't. Being an English major, I really like big words. They make me feel smart, and I like being able to rattle them off and actually know what they mean. I might even drop a few here and there in this blog. But the question I think every writer should ask themselves is this: Does my audience understand what I'm saying?

If you're only aiming to impress people with your massive use of grammatical vocabulary, then by all means, keep writing your glamorous prose. But if you really want your audience to think about what you're writing, then you might want to keep your language free from confusing words.

This is something I struggle with sometimes. Like I said, I really like my big words. But what I like even more is when I can allow my audience to think about the meaning behind the words, instead of just wondering what the heck those words meant.

If I do nothing more than that, than making my language clear and understandable, then I really do believe I've done my job as a writer. Though I might drop a challenge or two along the way. A broader vocabulary never hurt anyone, after all.

Resolved

I hereby resolve that this year I will get involved more and have more fun and quit being a stick in the mud. I get so bogged down by what I have to do, what I should do, and what other people expect me to do, that I completely forget to just have fun. And, according to my friends, I'm way too young for that to be happening.

I realize that if I manage to pull off graduating in May (a grand feat of extraordinary proportions considering I'm behind), I'll get a nice healthy dose of reality when I go after my first "real job." Apparently all those summers working at the lake don't count as a "real job," whatever that is. Anyway, when I do secure this job and start the beginnings of what I hope is a nice happy career, I'm probably going to have to give up a lot of the fun college things that I get to do as a student. Things like late night ice-skating, free movies and popcorn in the basketball stadium, etc etc.

I'm going to miss being a student. So as of right now, I'm going to make the most of the time I've got left to just enjoy life.

P.S. My roommate has stopped running off for days and days at a time. So, for now, I'm not going to worry too much about it.

Back to the Grindstone

So, I've pretty much decided that I'm going to graduate this May. There's a lot of hard work ahead of me, but I'm confident I can get everything accomplished. College has been fun, but I'm tired of sinking thousands of borrowed dollars into my education. As the debt racks up, my anxiousness to be debt-free climbs. So I'm going to go out and do something about it. Starting just as soon as all my classes are over.

Speaking of classes, I'm currently in the middle of a week-long intensive course on Musical theater. By Friday evening, I'm convinced I will be a brainwashed mind-puppet that only sings showtunes because of the extremely long days and the mountain of work I'm plowing through each night.

It's definitely a good feeling to get weeks worth of classes done in one day, though.